


You're Not My Soulmate, But I Want You To Be

by Shadowmightwrite17



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Everyone gets to come out safely, F/F, Fluff, I might have "accidentally" deleted him from this universe, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Martin Either, No blackmail
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-05 23:57:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15874335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowmightwrite17/pseuds/Shadowmightwrite17
Summary: For years Simon has hated the idea of soulmates. He hated that the universe could just out him by leaving a name on his skin. He hated the idea that the universe got to choose who he loves. Especially when there's a boy named Blue on the other side of a computer, whom he would choose over any soulmate. Even Cute Bram Greenfeld.Leah and Abby are technically a background relationship, but they appear a lot, and they're kind of angsty but later soft. Everyone gets to come out safely and feel loved, don't you worry.





	1. I don't know if I want a soulmate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon dreads and anticipates getting his soulmark

Chapter 1

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

DATE: Nov 3 at 11:21 PM

SUBJECT: Impending doom…

 

Blue,

I know we’ve been avoiding the subject for a while now, since ever actually, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s kind of inevitable. Or, it is for me. For all I know you found out months ago. Birthdays when you’re anonymous are a little weird.

Soulmates.

Do you have your name yet? I don’t. But I will, and soon. Too soon. My birthday is coming up and I don’t know what I’m going to do. What do I do? Do I hide the name until I’m ready to come out? Do I come out when I get it? I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.

I think for a long time I tried not to think about soulmates. I think that started around eighth grade, right after I realized I was gay, and suddenly I really hated the idea of finding out who my soulmate was. With every birthday it seemed like this scary thing that was really far away but getting closer and closer.

Blue, one day, very soon from now, there’s going to be a name on my skin and I don’t know what to do.

Jacques

 

 

Simon closed his laptop and slumped back in his desk chair, fingers pressing into his eyes as a headache began. He tried not to think about the calendar on the desk next to his computer. His mom had surprised him yesterday with a calendar. The day November 17 had been circled in red sharpie with the words “Simon’s Birthday” on it. He knew it was supposed to be a kind, loving gesture of excitement. She did the same thing for Alice, bought a calendar with different pictures of cityscapes on the months, and gave it to her exactly two weeks before her birthday. His calendar was Broadway themed. It was a sort of family tradition from her side of the family and it carried on.

In less than two weeks somebody’s name would be on his skin, and Simon didn’t know what he was going to do. Leah and Abby wanted to throw him a special party to celebrate, but the thought made Simon feel sick.

When it happened, Simon wanted to be alone. He wanted this to be a quiet moment with himself and, in a weird sense, his soulmate. He wanted the day to just pass peacefully and by the end of the day he would have a name on his skin.

 

* * *

 

Simon spent most of the day feeling anxious, pretending he wasn’t anxious, and trying to deny the exact reason why he was anxious.

That email he sent Blue last night still weighed on his mind. Did Blue have his soulmate’s name yet? How did he feel about it?

Simon also wanted to know who it was, and he was avidly trying to ignore why he wanted to know so much. He also knew that this had to be an extremely private thing for Blue if he knew his soulmate’s name. This wasn’t something you just gave away when you were in the closet, even if the other person you told was as in the closet as you were. It was deeply personal. Simon knew that, felt that, and he didn’t even have the evidence that would give away his secret written on his body yet.

When he got home from play practice, the first thing he did was check his email.

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 4 at 3:22 PM

SUBJECT: Impending doom…

 

Jacques,

Would I be correct in assuming you’re a Scorpio? Sorry, I guess that was meant to lighten the mood. Impending doom… seems like a strong subject line, but I understand it.

For me I still have time. Not a lot, but clearly more than you. Well, we’ve established who’s older now. More humor to lighten the mood. I don’t think I’m going to succeed in that however. I still have a few months. I guess I have avoided thinking about it until now. I haven’t been dreading it, more that I’ve been ignoring it.

I’m going to guess that your family and friends will ask what your soulmate’s name is, and the idea of that is stressing you out more. I think the reason why I worry less is because my family believes that soulmates are sacred, and we keep our names a secret until we meet that person. That’s actually from my dad’s side, but my mom believes that too now. So, the idea of telling them when I turn seventeen hasn’t been a real fear. I can tell them I’m gay when I meet my soulmate, if I’m ready to come out to them. Perhaps that can be your solution. Would they think it was strange if you suddenly decided you didn’t want to share your soulmate’s name?

Jacques, this may be too invasive and personal, but can I also ask if you’re afraid of whose name you’re going to find?

Blue

 

 

Simon stared at the email for a long time, trying to process those words. The words on the screen left something heavy feeling in his chest. Blue didn’t know who his soulmate was.

Simon closed his eyes.

He’d have to be insane or hopelessly naïve or both to think that out of the 3.5 billion guys out there in the world, he had somehow managed to find his soulmate through an email before getting his name.

The soft warmth in his chest he got whenever he even thought of Blue didn’t go away however. There was this place in Simon that was forever reserved for Blue. Nobody could take that from Blue, even if that person was who Simon was meant to spend the rest of his life with. It made Simon wonder how people who found a first love before their soulmate felt, especially if they met that first love before even having their soulmate’s name.

He sighed. He couldn’t respond, not right now. His brain was too much of a mess to think clearly, let alone write a coherent email to Blue.

Instead, Simon crawled into bed and buried himself in the covers.

 

* * *

  

When he walked up to the table he found Leah and Abby whispering to each other in something that reeked of conspiracy. They went suspiciously quiet the second Simon sat down.

“No,” Simon mumbled, looking down at his food tray.

“No?” Leah repeated, shocked.

“I’ve decided I don’t want to do a party for my birthday,” Simon explained.

“Your birthday’s coming up?” Garrett asked.

Simon glanced up at Garrett and caught Bram staring at him. He didn’t answer.

“Dude, is this the big birthday?” Garrett asked, eagerly shaking Simon’s shoulder.

“Right, yeah. Simon’s going to get his soulmate name,” Nick spoke up, the thought just dawning on him.

“Are you excited?” Garrett asked.

Simon nodded, but his stomach felt a little uneasy. No, he was dreading it actually.

“And you don’t want to do a birthday party?” Abby asked. Her eyebrows were pulled together and she seemed disappointed.

Simon chewed on his lip for a moment and shrugged. “I guess. It’s just that something like this feels pretty big and important, and I kind of want to do it on my own,” He explained.

“You don’t have to,” Leah assured him.

He tried to smile for them. It didn’t feel right on his face. “I know. It’s just that this is something I feel I should do privately.”

Leah and Abby shared a look. Abby disappointed, Leah understanding.

She’d gotten her name a month and a half ago and she’d been cagey about it ever since.

Like Simon, she didn’t want to do anything big about it, but Simon guessed it was just a Leah thing. Birthdays were sacred to her, but so were soulmate names and hers was special and private to her. They did have a quiet party for Leah the night before. It was just the three of them, Nick, Simon, and Leah. A day later Leah came to school with a thick wristband around her right wrist, glaring at anyone who even mentioned her soulmate mark.

“We can do something the day before if we want,” Simon suggested, trying to cheer them up.

Their eyes turned to him and they smiled. “We were thinking a big movie marathon in Nick’s basement with lots of junk food,” Leah mentioned.

“Sounds great, and that’s a Sunday instead of a Monday, so it’s probably better,” Simon agreed.

Simon looked at Bram, who was still staring at him a little. Simon stared back for a moment. Not unfriendly or uncomfortable, but curious. Quiet but Cute Bram didn’t say much of anything to Simon.

“Would you guys like to be there on Sunday?” Simon asked Bram and Garrett.

Bram’s eyes widened and he turned to Garrett, looking like a rabbit caught in a trap. Garrett was oblivious and smiling.

“Hell yeah, and if you want I can bring a little beer,” Garrett offered.

“Let’s not repeat Simon’s great Halloween Disaster,” Leah piped up.

Simon looked down at his tray. He was still trying to forget the great Halloween Disaster. He couldn’t make himself look at Bram with the memories of Beruit, karaoke, and walking into Bram’s bedroom as he was kissing a girl floating around in his head. Couldn’t look at Bram when just a week ago he was wondering if Bram and Blue were the same person.

“It is a little soon,” Nick added, grinning playfully.

“We’ll cut him off at one then,” Garrett responded, egging them on.

“One beer and he’s still drunk,” Nick told them, laughing.

Bram laughed softly, making Simon actually look at him this time. Bram looked up at Simon with a small smile that quickly turned shy, and Simon looked away.

“I’m not walking drunk-Simon home again,” Leah added, giving Simon a wry smirk. She was lying. Of course she would. They were best friends, they would always do those things for each other.

“So Sunday it is. We’ll eat junk food, watch movies, maybe play some Cards Against Humanity, and maybe consider giving Simon half a beer,” Nick decided.

Laughter and nods of agreement circulated the table, everyone excited for the upcoming little party of theirs. Simon actually smiled a little.

 

* * *

 

 

Simon looked out the window, watching the pink and purple clouds outside. Daylight Savings had come the Sunday before and now sunset was around five in the afternoon. There was something about this, about where he was sitting on his bed, laptop open and an email waiting to be started, staring out his window that reminded Simon of the very first email.

It reminded him of that sunset, pink and purple across the sky as the clock ticked past eight in the evening. Simon had been sitting on his bed, staring at his computer and intermittently checking his email for something new. He even stalked the old, ancient posts of the school’s rumor mill Tumblr to find any posts that reminded him of “vast houses with tiny windows” and “a shore worth swimming to” until eventually Simon had read too many cringey confessions to tolerate it anymore. Then he refreshed his email and found a new email from [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com) waiting for him.

Today, Simon stared at the blank email window and trying to find the right thing to say.

Where did he begin?

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 7 at 5:22 PM

SUBJECT: maybe it’s less doom now and more…

 

Blue,

Yes, I am a Scorpio. Although anyone who’s ever asked me that question seriously and actually cared about that sort of thing has straight up told me I’m nothing like a Scorpio, so I don’t know what to tell you.

My birthday is getting closer and closer, but I’m not really afraid anymore. Or, I’m not as scared of it as I was before. Your advice helped actually.

The truth is I used to hate the concept of soulmates. Once I figured out I was gay, I just hated the idea of it. I don’t know why. Maybe for the same reason I pretended to have a crush on Hermione like every other straight boy I knew. I was in denial that I was gay and hoping eventually it’d change. Obviously I don’t feel that way about being gay now. I don’t want to change, not at all. But I don’t know how I feel about soulmates now. I guess younger me hated the idea that the name on my skin would be a girl’s name, but also hated the idea that the name would be a boy’s name, because either I’d be matched with someone I didn’t like, or I would be outed. But what it comes down to is this:

I don’t know if I want a soulmate.

I don’t really want who I spend the rest of my life with to be chosen for me. I want to find that person on my own. The idea that the universe gets to decide who I spend the rest of my life with, instead of me, I don’t like it. I want it to be my choice.

So maybe getting my soulmate mark in a few weeks isn’t so much an impending doom, as it is just feeling like someone else got to define me before I did.

So, given how I’ve acted about soulmates the last few years, I doubt anyone will be overly surprised that I don’t want to share my soul mark with anyone.

Blue, I don’t want this email to bum you out about the idea of soulmates. I think it’s great for other people. My parents are soulmates and they’re ridiculously happy together. I know for a lot of people it’s an amazing thing. I just don’t know if it’s the right thing for me. I hope when you get your soulmate mark you’re happy. I just don’t know how I’ll feel about mine.

Jacques

 

 

Simon stared at the email, read it, reread it, and reread it again. He guessed that was as good as it was going to get. Expressing something as complicated as his feelings about having a soulmate wasn’t something he ever thought he could properly articulate, and here he was trying to explain one of his biggest fears with Blue. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his anxious nerves, and he clicked send.

A piece of his soul was waiting in Blue’s inbox, waiting to be read.

 

* * *

 

 

The week passed by slowly. Blue didn’t write an email back, at least, not in the form of a reply to his soulmate email. A few emails had been shared between them in the last week, but all on less serious, non-life changing topics. School, favorite shows, cute banter that left Simon smiling. Every time he got a new email from Blue, he wondered if he’d scared Blue away from ever talking about soulmates again. Every night after he sent one last email, Simon went to bed wishing for one thing.

The person whose name would appear on Simon’s skin in a few days, he wished that name belonged to Blue.

He dreamed of reading the name on skin, just knowing immediately that it was Blue, sharing that name with Blue over one very important email, and having him walk up to Simon in real life and ask him out for real.

Maybe, maybe it could be true.

Or maybe that name would belong to a complete stranger who was nothing like Blue.

Simon tried not to think about that. He didn’t know what he’d do.

 

* * *

 

 

The birthday party was light hearted and fun. It was like any of Simon’s other birthdays with Leah and Nick, but now with the additions of Abby, Garrett, and Bram. They were spread across the couch and two chairs, watching Lion King as they shared greasy cheese pizza and garlic bread. They were sticking to soda and water tonight, at least that’s what Abby and Leah had planned, what Simon had planned. There was some suspicious whispering between Nick and Garrett, and Simon had no doubt that Garrett could pull off sneaking beer into the Eisner household if he wished.

After thoroughly washing their hands, because Leah was very particular that nobody was going to touch her Cards Against Humanity pack with greasy fingers, they gathered in a circle.

Simon very quickly learned that senses of humor completely changed when given a stack of cards and a competition to win.

Leah’s sense of snarky humor translated well into Cards, although he couldn’t say many in the group shared her humor. Sweet Abby had a secretly evil and dark sense of humor with the cards, and unusually but subtly political without the card choice being uncomfortable. Nick was his classic philosophical humor combined with an undertone of stupid, non-sensical humor. Garrett had an entirely random sense of humor, to the point that every card combination he made got him a lot of laughs, even if his card was rarely chosen.

Bram had a subtle, not quite dark but certainly complex sense of humor in this game. Each card was thoughtful, and Bram was quick to choose his cards. Thoughtful but quick on his feet.

Simon was an omnivore of humor, capable of playing to the card czar’s individual sense of humor and doing well with high success rates.

“I swear to God, people are just giving you cards because it’s your birthday,” Nick accused Simon, looking serious until a wide grin slowly grew on his face.

“Maybe you’d win more cards if your sense of humor wasn’t so obscure,” Simon countered.

Nick scoffed and drew another white card for the next round. Simon’s round.

Simon drew the card. “Future historians will agree that ‘blank’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” He looked up at everyone as they carefully considered their cards.

Leah’s hand went down in an instant, card slammed confidently on the carpet. Abby quickly followed, grinning mischievously. Nick’s came next, followed by Garrett.

Bram was staring at his cards, eyebrows pulled together. “I don’t have anything that works for this,” He mumbled. “I mean, I have something that could be ironically funny, but you’d have to know I was being ironic.”

“Go with that, I’ll keep an open mind,” Simon offered.

Bram looked up at Simon, uncertain before he carefully placed the card on top. Simon shuffled the cards, but made sure to put Bram’s card on the bottom, so he’d know which card to think of ironically, for Bram’s sake. Taking the first card, Simon read.

“Future historians will agree that ‘a time travel paradox’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” Simon read, chuckling lowly.

“Future historians will agree that ‘Our First Chimpanzee President’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” He laughed a bit harder at that, wondering if that was Abby or Leah’s card. It was pretty in line for both their senses of humor.

“Future historians will agree that ‘unfathomable stupidity’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” Simon laughed harder at that. That had to be Leah. The blunt tone of it was classic Leah.

“Future historians will agree that…” Simon trailed off. “that ‘a bass drop so huge it tears the starry vault asunder to reveal the face of God’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.”

He had no words for it. He just looked up at his friends, wondering who was capable of this. Chewing on his lip, Simon read the last card.

“Future historians will agree that…” He trailed off again, staring at the card.

_The homosexual agenda…_

“Future historians will agree that ‘the homosexual agenda’ marked the beginning of America’s decline.” He looked up at Bram, sitting across from him, and instantly Bram shrunk back guiltily.

“It’s ironic, I swear. I used that because that’s what my crazy neighbors were going on about that last Sunday,” He explained. “I don’t actually think like that.”

Simon stared at him, and then back at the cards. His skin itched.

Carefully, without looking at Bram, he put the card on the side and stared at the remaining four. He missed the uncomfortable, embarrassed expression on Bram’s face.

“I think I’m gonna’ go with ‘a time travel paradox’ because I think that would be absolutely hilarious to see,” Simon decided, holding up the black card.

Nick’s arms went up in the air in celebration. “Finally!” He shouted.

Simon smiled happily for him and handed it over. “Who had ‘a huge bass drop’ anyway?” Simon asked.

Garrett raised his hand. “Not my best, but I thought it worked.”

“Unfathomable stupidity,” Leah mentioned, raising her hand.

“Chimpanzee president,” Abby added.

“You both had really good cards,” Simon told them.

Leah was next, and she read the card out while Simon cleaned up the white cards from his round.

After Simon won, because of course Simon would win, he helped Leah clean up her cards. Bram joined, offering to organize them in the sort of neurotic way Leah liked.

“I wanted to apologize,” Bram mumbled to Simon.

Simon looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “What for?” He whispered.

“The ‘homosexual agenda’ card. I’m sorry if it bothered you,” Bram whispered. He couldn’t make himself look up at Simon.

“Why would it bother me?” Simon asked, keeping his tone carefully casual.

“I just… you didn’t look happy when you read it. You looked almost annoyed,” Bram explained, staring at the carpet and stacks of cards between them. “I just… please don’t think I’m homophobic or anything. I’m not. I was making fun of homophobes.”

He looked up at Simon, and Simon saw something honest in his eyes.

“I get it. It doesn’t bother me, I just didn’t get the humor,” Simon told him.

Bram nodded. “Yeah, I guess I keep thinking people will get my humor, and usually they do, but sometimes it doesn’t translate well, especially when I’m trying to be funny.”

“You were pretty good tonight. I guess everyone just has an off round, especially when they don’t have the right cards for something,” Simon added.

Bram nodded, silent.

They finished arranging the cards and Bram walked over to Garrett, sitting down next to him in silence. Simon sat himself next to Abby.

Leah and Nick brought out the cake together. They were going to have the cake tomorrow on Simon’s actual birthday, but Simon decided it was better if it was just them tonight. They sang happy birthday and when Simon blew out the candles, he wished that tomorrow wouldn’t completely change his life.

 

* * *

 

 

Soulmate marks didn’t show up the second the clock struck midnight. The timing usually coincided with what time during the day the baby was born. Simon had been born just after ten o’clock in the evening on November 17, seventeen years ago today.

Most of that day he spent hoping he would stick to the correlation and get his mark late tonight. He hoped he wasn’t one of the outliers who got their mark at a time completely unrelated to their actual birth time.

Though he once heard a story about teenagers who found out they had the wrong birthday when their soul mark came a few months early or a few months late. Those were usually children who had been adopted from foreign countries with sealed adoption records. Nothing like Simon’s case, of course.

On Simon’s request, nobody treated that Monday like there was anything special about it. As far as anyone knew, today was completely normal and routine. Simon didn’t want anyone at school walking up and just asking him who his soulmate was, or asking how his experience getting his mark felt, or just congratulating him when they believed his soulmate would be a girl.

Simon remembered when Alice got her soulmate name. Simon was a freshman then. Alice was a junior. Alice was pretty popular in high school, and had a pretty big party at school, which Simon had of course been there for. He’d watched multiple classmates talk to her about her soulmate name and how it felt to get it. Alice had gotten hers in the middle of the night, and she barely felt it. It felt different for everyone, and all Alice felt was a cool sensation on the inside of her elbow in the middle of an early June heatwave. She’d been quiet about the name to everyone but Nora, Simon, and their mom. Of course people saw the name eventually, it was near impossible to tolerate wearing long sleeves in Georgia in the middle of summer. Seeing all the questions she got from classmates she barely knew made Simon want to keep his birthday quiet.

After play practice, he had dinner with his family. Of course Nora baked a cake, chocolate with Oreo frosting. Simon loved her for it. They had their own little celebration, and after dinner Simon took a leftover slice of cake and a hot chocolate up to his room. He watched YouTube videos on his laptop, cake sitting on his desk, and he tried not to think about it.

Right as ten o’clock was approaching, Simon felt a sharp pain next to his right hip. He bent over in pain, hand pressed to its origins. The sharp, almost stabbing feeling didn’t go away. Simon pulled his shirt up, looking at the skin around his right hip. It all remained pale and untouched, and if Simon didn’t know any better, he’d think his appendix was about to rupture.

The pain increased and Simon groaned quietly. Standing slowly, he moved to the bed and collapsed there. He didn’t know how long this was going to last, but he needed to lay down. The pain continued and he curled up in a ball on his bed, arms wrapped around his lower abdomen.

After a while, after what felt like forever, the pain subsided, and Simon laid there. In all honesty, he didn’t want to look at it. Nor did he really want to move, in case that pain came back. Reaching over, Simon grabbed his iPod and headphones and played some music. Quiet, relaxing music.

The pain didn’t come back, thank God, and Simon was able to fall asleep, exhausted after that little nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as a one-shot and then became a very long story, so it's being divided into chapters. Eight out of approximately ten have been written, it's just that sometimes I need the reminder to keep going, and this community and the support it gives is amazing. Comments and Kudos are repaid in full with love, thanks, and new chapters.


	2. You don't have to be afraid to tell me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon wakes up the day after his seventeenth birthday and finds his soulmate mark.

Simon woke that morning groggy and confused. It took a moment to remember it was a school day, and as utterly exhausted as he felt he was amazed he woke up on his own without his mom coming in to check on him. Standing, he picked up the slice of untouched cake on his desk, and tried to think of a way to toss it in the trash without hurting Nora’s feelings. It was an amazing cake, but what happened last night made it impossible for him to have any appetite.

Last night.

His hand twitched towards his hip.

He felt fine now. Tired, but fine. No pain.

With a tired sigh he sat back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. It was there. He knew it was. Sighing, Simon lifted his shirt and looked down at the dark ink on his skin.

_Abraham Louis Greenfeld_

Simon stared at it for a long time.

Abraham? Bram? Bram Greenfeld? Cute Bram Greenfeld of the soft eyes and perfect soccer calves. Bram was his soulmate?

He didn’t get it. Well, he got it, but still it felt like an alien subject.

The extremely vague idea of what getting a soulmate name would feel like felt nothing like this. Simon hadn’t really thought about what it would feel like, but he’d heard so many stories about it, he figured it felt magical for everyone. This didn’t feel magical, it felt confusing.

Bram was gay? Well, yes, Bram had to be gay if they were soulmates. The universe wasn’t inherently cruel. The universe wasn’t going to single Simon out and pair him with a straight dude. Well, as far as Simon knew it wouldn’t. That would be cruel. Knowing that didn’t erase the feeling of confusion that Bram was gay, and very much not out about being gay, and now Simon knew. Simon knew Bram was gay, not because Bram told him, but because the universe outed Bram to Simon.

And then…

The universe had potentially already outed Simon to Bram, or would someday soon.

That was a weird feeling. Simon knew Bram. In real life they knew each other, and they had a set idea in their heads about who the other was. Obviously, because Simon had previously assumed Bram was straight. So, finding something so intensely personal about each other from the universe, before they could tell each other or anyone else, that somehow felt almost cruel of the universe.

It wasn’t the universe’s fault. The fault rested on the world that made straight the default and gay a secret to be kept. That thought frustrated Simon.

Exhausted, and not knowing what to think, Simon pushed his shirt down and collapsed on the bed. He was too tired for school. Groaning, Simon crawled back under the covers.

Bram was his soulmate.

Simon was pretty sure Bram hadn’t gotten his name yet. He’d known Bram for a little over a year now and Bram hadn’t mentioned anything about a recent birthday and a soulmate name. Of course, that didn’t mean anything because Bram was in the closet. Simon wished he could somehow make everyone forget he was supposed to have a name marked on his skin today. For all he knew, Bram had his name and kept it entirely a secret so he wouldn’t be outed.

His mind rolled back to the Cards Against Humanity game, and he wondered. Did Bram know Simon was gay and that they were soulmates when they played that game? Was Bram trying to make an in-joke between them? Probably not. Bram seemed too thoughtful to carelessly give it away like that. Maybe he suspected, and he used that card to gage Simon’s reaction to see if he was straight or not.

Simon had done the exact same thing to Bram at Halloween but in a different sense. He made a Jacque reference in the hopes Bram was who Simon thought he was, and he would understand.

Halloween.

The girl in Bram’s bedroom, kissing him.

That didn’t make any sense to Simon. Was Bram bi then? Maybe. It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility, but the idea that Bram just casually kissed a random girl made Simon uncomfortable. But then, Simon was in a sense just as guilty for liking someone before they knew who their soulmate was.

Blue.

Maybe Bram was Blue, and the universe had done what Simon always wanted. It had given Simon a chance to choose for himself who he liked without universal interference, and maybe it had been kind enough to make Simon’s choice his soulmate. Or maybe they were two entirely separate people.

But Simon had feelings for Blue.

He had found someone he liked, someone he wanted to be with. He’d gotten a chance for that agency he so desperately wanted, to choose on his own, and maybe the universe was repaying him with a reminder that Simon didn’t get to choose who his soulmate was.

Why did it all have to feel so complicated?

“Simon?” It was his mom, knocking on the door.

Simon couldn’t make himself speak. After a moment of silence she poked her head in.

“You’re up,” Emily realized.

Simon nodded, slowly sitting up.

“You should be getting ready for school,” She reminded him.

Simon’s shoulders slumped forward and he stared at the blankets around him.

“Simon, honey, what’s wrong?” She asked.

“I don’t feel good,” Simon answered softly.

Emily sat down on the end of the bed, looking at Simon with worry. “How do you feel?”

“Tired mostly, just sort of achy, like moving feels tough,” Simon explained.

She frowned, nodding. “Does this have to do with last night?” She asked carefully.

Simon looked away from her, nodding. “It didn’t feel the way everyone said it would. It was painful, really painful. And it didn’t just go away, it lasted for a really long time.”

His chest ached and he felt breathless.

“Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry,” She told him, pulling him into a hug. Simon felt too tired to resist. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only one who experienced pain when they got their mark. Your Aunt Carrie had pain when she got hers, although the pain was very short lived. Plenty of people get pain when they get their soul marks.”

Simon nodded, slumped against her.

“Simon, I want you to know that how you experience getting your mark doesn’t say anything about you or your soulmate. Some of the happiest soulmates felt pain when they got their marks. It doesn’t mean anything negative, I promise.”

He nodded again and pulled away, looking as exhausted as he felt. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to feel like this,” He whispered.

“You’ve had a hard time accepting the notion of soulmates, I know,” Emily added, gently touching her hand to Simon’s shoulder.

“I guess I wanted to be the one who decided who I fell in love with,” Simon whispered. “I felt like that should be something I get to choose.”

“Simon, it’s still your choice if you want to be with your soulmate. You can choose not to be with her, it happens,” She reminded him.

Simon nodded, quiet. _Her._

“You look exhausted,” Emily added, eyes softening at the sight of her weary son. “If you want, you can stay home and get some rest.”

Simon looked up, smiling gratefully. “Okay,” He whispered.

“Your dad decided to run out for some morning donuts, he wants to know if you want anything specific,” Emily mentioned. She looked at Simon and guessed: “Usual?”

Simon nodded. A chocolate old fashioned donut sounded awesome right now. Smiling at him, Emily got up and left the room, telling Simon to let her know if he needed anything.

Exhausted, Simon sunk into his bed and curled up, planning to drift off back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

He woke up around eleven to a slightly stale donut on his desk and five texts on his phone. His friends wanted to know where he was.

 

_Nick: You okay? You never miss school_

_Abby: Are you sick? Are you not feeling well?_

_Leah: Dick, you missed school and left me alone_

_Leah: I don’t mean that of course, I’m just worried. Are you okay_

_Leah: I can come over later if you want_

 

Simon texted Leah that he wasn’t feeling good and that his mom let him stay home. He didn’t go into specifics. He figured she’d come over later today, whether he told her to or not, and talk to him about it.

Until then he watched old kids cartoons from his childhood on his laptop.

 

* * *

 

 

Simon woke up to the sound of knocking on his bedroom door. It was Leah this time, walking in with two iced coffees. Simon sat up slowly, leaning against the pillows. He wasn’t surprised she just came in. Leah had a key to this house now. She’d had one since the end of ninth grade after Simon had gotten violently ill from food poisoning while his parents were Raleigh, North Carolina to see his sick grandmother. Leah was the one to stay with him for the weekend. Alice and Nora were of course there, but to be honest Simon felt better having Leah there.

“You look exhausted,” Leah murmured, her words blunt but her tone gentle.

Simon nodded. “Getting my mark was nothing like everyone said,” He mumbled.

Placing the coffees on the windowsill, Leah climbed onto Simon’s bed. “What was it like?”

“Painful,” Simon answered quietly. “It felt like someone stabbed me in the hip and then left the knife hanging there. It lasted a while, the pain.”

Leah nodded, frowning. She curled up next to him, wrapping her arm over his shoulders. She let Simon lean onto her, resting his head tiredly on her shoulder. Leah wasn’t an overly affectionate person, but Simon was one of her few exceptions, especially when one of them was upset.

“I always thought that you’d be one of those people who barely noticed you had a soulmate mark and just carried on,” Leah admitted.

Simon hummed. “Really? It’s like I can’t help but be aware of my soul mark. It’s all I’ve thought about today.” He told her.

Leah nodded, quiet for a long moment. “Do you still feel the same way about soulmates?” She asked carefully.

Simon shrugged. “I don’t really know how I feel. I haven’t exactly made a one-eighty about it, but I can’t tell if I feel different about it. I think I still hate that I don’t get to choose, I’m just not so angry at the universe for its choice.”

Leah gave him a skeptical look. “What do you mean?”

Simon shook his head. He wasn’t ready to explain it. “It’s complicated,” He mumbled.

Leah nodded and pulled away. Simon smiled at her and playfully shoved her, making her smile back.

“So, you still don’t want anyone to know who it is?” Leah asked.

Simon nodded. “I feel like this is too personal for me,” He confessed.

“Okay,” Leah whispered, smiling at him. “I understand.”

The universe knew Leah would understand. That soft wine-red wristband hadn’t moved its position since her birthday. It made Simon wonder sometimes, but he respected Leah too much to give into his nosey tendencies.

 

* * *

 

Leah stayed a while and then went home. Simon laid in bed for a while before he opened his laptop and checked his email. There was something from Blue.

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 18 at 7:12 AM

SUBJECT: Failures to communicate

 

Jacques,

I’m going to assume that, like everyone, you’ve had moments where you royally screwed up a social situation. I think it’s impossible for someone to go their entire life without making some conversation unbearably uncomfortable, but I feel as though I have those moments constantly.

It’s just that I’m more quiet and reserved, and talking to people is harder for me. It’s especially bad if I don’t know them well, or they happen to be a cute boy. Talking to cute boys is impossible.

Except for you, but I suppose now that email is apparently my loophole to talking to cute boys. Otherwise, I’m tongue-tied.

I’ve just been obsessing over a moment recently where I particularly screwed up and came across as a jerk to someone I like. All I can think about is all the other options for what I could have done in that moment to prevent it from happening, and just wishing that everyone will forget it so that, in theory, I can forget it too. No, to be honest I’m someone who will remember my social screw ups for years to come. For example, I still remember the dorky thing I said about comic book super heroes being better than movie super heroes to Mr. Sexual Awakening two years ago at a family reunion.

Maybe I should just never talk to my crushes unless it’s through email.

Well, unless it’s just you actually.

Blue

 

 

Simon stared at the last two lines of the email for a long moment. He let out a softly-spoken swear word and flopped back onto his pillow.

Why was this so complicated?

It would be easier if he could forget about Bram and think just about Blue, or forget about Blue and just think about Bram. Or better yet, if he was the exception to the rule about soulmates and he could just decide for himself without anyone being hurt.

Why did Blue have to be such a wonderful human being?

Simon closed his laptop. He couldn’t reply, not now at least.

 

* * *

 

 

Most of the table was already gathered by the time Simon got to lunch. Leah wasn’t there yet, but she mentioned having to talk to her music teacher about something before going to lunch, so it wouldn’t be long. Lunch tray in hand, Simon sat down at the table.

“Hey Simon,” Abby greeted softly.

He hadn’t spoken much to any of them since the start of the day. He hadn’t even gotten around to telling them why he missed school the previous day.

“Leah said you were feeling sick yesterday,” Nick mentioned. He sounded skeptical. “Are you feeling better?”

Simon nodded, staring down at his tray. “Yeah. I was just too tired to get out of bed yesterday. My mom let me stay home,” He answered.

“Did you stay up really late or something?” Garrett asked quietly, fork half-way to his mouth.

Simon glanced at Garrett and shook his head slowly. “No. I actually went to bed pretty early the night before. Early for me anyway.”

There was a long silence.

“How was getting your soul mark?” Nick asked, breaking the silence.

Abby turned and glared at him. “Nick!” She scolded him.

“What? We all want to know,” Nick argued.

“I think what Abby’s saying is that Simon was pretty specific about not wanting to make a big deal about it,” Bram spoke up, turning to look at Nick.

Simon stared at Bram for a long moment. The second Bram noticed he looked down at his tray, frowning slightly.

“Well, I mean of course you don’t have to tell us who it is, especially if you know them, but…” Nick trailed off.

Simon glared at his tray.

“It wasn’t magical, if you want to know,” Simon muttered irritably.

Everyone looked at him in concern.

“Oh.” It was all Nick could think to say in response.

There was a long silence.

“You don’t sound happy about it,” Abby added softly, sounding worried.

Simon frowned, staring at his tray. “I don’t know how to feel,” He admitted.

“Was it someone you don’t like?” Nick asked.

“Nick!” Abby smacked the back of her hand across Nick’s arm. “You said you wouldn’t ask who it was.”

Nick looked away with guilt, frowning.

“It’s not about who,” Simon mumbled.

It was, but he wasn’t talking about the person when he said the experience wasn’t magical like everyone had said it would be.

He looked up at his friends. “You know how people say it’s going to feel like an itch, or a tickle, or a warm or cool feeling on your skin when you get your mark?” He asked.

They all nodded quietly.

“Everyone makes it sound like it’s this magical moment and it feels great, but it wasn’t like that for me,” Simon explained. He couldn’t make himself look up at them. “It actually hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I thought something was actually wrong with me it hurt so much.”

He noticed his hand was shaking, fork wobbling in the air. He dropped his fork and hid his hand under the table. He didn’t like the heavy feeling in his chest.

“It wasn’t what everyone said it would be, and for someone who already didn’t like the concept of soulmates, it kind of sucked,” Simon mumbled.

“Maybe that’s why it hurt, because you didn’t want one,” Garrett mumbled.

“Garrett, that’s terrible!” Abby scolded him, mouth half open in astonishment.

Simon said nothing. He’d thought the same thing, even if he wouldn’t admit it to anyone.

The silence around the table felt unbearable.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to ruin the idea for you,” Simon mumbled. Grabbing his untouched tray, Simon stood up and walked away.

He was almost to the cafeteria exit when Leah walked in. Her eyes widened in surprise and she started to smile until she saw the sad, tired expression in Simon’s eyes and the thin frown as he tried to hide his emotions.

“Si?” Leah murmured, following him outside.

Simon shrugged, letting her follow him out.

“Everything okay?” She asked when they had left the noise of the cafeteria behind.

He didn’t move for a few seconds, and then slowly he shook his head. “I don’t know anymore,” He sighed.

“What happened?” Leah asked.

He didn’t answer, but she guessed it anyway. “Did someone ask about your soulmate?”

He nodded. “Nick just asked how it felt to get it, not who it was, but…” He trailed off.

“Not as if you had the best time getting yours,” Leah mumbled, crossing her arms as she looked away. “Well, we might as well find something else to do until lunch is over.”

Simon looked up at her, an eyebrow raised in curiosity.

Leah smiled wickedly. “Come on, I know where we’re going.”

The spent lunch in the band room, dining on the peanut-butter banana sandwich and carrot sticks Leah had packed in her lunch from home. They sat on the bottom level where woodwind instrument players normally sat, joking about their ridiculous friends being clueless. Leah was sharing a story from yesterday’s French class when she pulled out dessert.

“For dessert we are lucky enough to dine on a Simon classic,” Leah told him, smiling as she pulled a snack pack of Oreos.

Simon’s eyes widened happily and he watched her with eager anticipation.

“I’m sorry they’re not Halloween Oreos, I finally ran out, but Classic will always be classic,” Leah told him.

She immediately noticed the way Simon’s expression fell when she mentioned Halloween Oreos.

“Simon?” She murmured. “What’s wrong?”

Simon pulled on a tight smile and shook his head. “I’m fine,” He lied.

Leah saw right through him. For a moment she was quiet, but then she smiled and ripped open the pack of Oreos and gave half to Simon, joking that he better appreciate her sacrifice. Simon smiled a little more genuinely.

For the first time ever regular Oreos tasted bland to him.

He chewed, kept his expression neutral, and swallowed the Oreo down. The remaining two in his hand gave him a sense of dread, so he handed them back to Leah.

“Something’s really wrong,” Leah whispered, setting the Oreos aside.

Simon nodded. He pulled his knees to his chest, eyes focused on the faded grey threads of his dark jeans.

“I wish I didn’t have a soulmate,” He whispered.

She nodded. Leah wasn’t surprised by it, but she was sad he felt that way.

“Do you know this person?” Leah whispered.

Simon buried his head under his arms, forehead pressed to his knees. He nodded.

“Do you not like them?” She asked.

Simon shook his head. “I think they’re great, but…” Simon stopped, closed his eyes as a few tears formed between his eyelashes. “Leah, I like someone else. I like them a lot, and I want to be with them. And I don’t think I can now.”

He looked up at her, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. Leah smiled sadly and scooted herself closer to Simon, hugging him close.

“I’m sorry Simon,” She whispered.

He could feel her curly hair against his cheek, smell the jasmine in her shampoo.

“I wish the world was much easier,” He whispered. “I wish I didn’t have a soulmate.”

Leah hummed, and Simon wasn’t sure what that meant. If she agreed or disagreed.

His eyes looked down at the red wristband, with fraying edges like it’d been pulled at and twisted too many times.

Simon shook in her arms and she held him tighter.

“I think the worst part is that I don’t know who that person really is,” Simon mumbled, his voice breaking.

“I don’t understand,” Leah whispered.

“The person I like, I don’t know who they really are. We met over email.”

Simon pulled away, rubbing his hands across his cheeks. “I know it sounds weird, but even if I don’t know his real name, I know who he is as a person, I know…”

He trailed off, realizing what he’d just said. _He…_

As the realization sunk down, dread took its place. He felt rigid and on edge now. If he moved he might break something. Everything just shut down for a moment in fear, until Simon was just sitting there numbly, waiting for Leah to yell at him.

Leah moved so she was directly in front of him, kneeling in front of him. “It’s okay,” She whispered, smiling softly. “I understand. You don’t have to be afraid to tell me.”

Simon nodded stiffly, staring at his shaking hands. “I didn’t mean to say it,” He mumbled. He wished he could take it back now.

“I know, but it’s okay,” Leah promised. “I love you, nothing could change that. You don’t need to be afraid.”

Simon looked up at her, eyes wide and brimming with tears. Leah hugged him. “I understand why you’re afraid, and why you haven’t been able to say it before,” She whispered into his shoulder.

Simon crumpled into her, pulling himself closer into her arms. He let out a shaking sob.

“You’re okay with it?” He asked, still in disbelief.

“Of course Simon! This doesn’t change anything between us,” Leah promised.

Simon nodded, burying his head in her shoulder. Another soft sob broke through.

“I never knew how I was going to say it,” Simon told her. “I’ve never even said the word out loud, and I just did that.”

Leah nodded and Simon pulled away, rubbing his cheeks again.

“I just… I spent so long stuck between whether I wanted to say it or not. Just constantly having the words in my throat and ready to just throw it into conversation and then never finding the right time,” Simon told her.

Leah nodded. “It’s like sitting there, and feeling like you’re a part of everything, but also separate from everything. Like there’s this barrier that’s keeping you away and you can’t cross it because you have this thing in your chest that you can’t say, and until you say it, you’re stuck,” Leah murmured, her soft green eyes meeting Simon’s.

Simon stared into her eyes for a moment, feeling something deeply familiar with her words, feeling like she just knew. He was speechless, and all he could do was nod.

“I love you Si, and this will never change it,” Leah added, smiling.

Simon smiled back, another tear slipping down, but this one was happy.

 

* * *

 

 

When lunch ended, Leah went off to her next class and Simon ducked into the nearest bathroom. He washed his face and took a moment to enjoy the silence. He collected himself slowly, putting all the pieces of himself back in the right place.

Leah knew.

Simon still couldn’t say it, not out loud and not with the right word, but Leah knew now. It made him feel lighter, it almost made him feel as though he was buzzing. The nerves under his skin were twitching with nervous excitement because finally someone knew. Someone who knew him, knew.

The excitement slowed, relaxed and continued at an easier pace. Simon left the bathroom and went to history class, knowing things could only get better from here.

 

* * *

 

 

After play practice Simon bought two iced coffees and drove to Leah’s house to pick her up. Leah smiled as she took her coffee from Simon. Taking a long sip, she smiled widely at him.

“It’s too nice a day to stay inside,” Leah murmured, slowly walking down the street.

Simon nodded, following her with a smile. He took a moment to look at Leah, notice the way she looked lost in thought.

“I feel better now. Now that you know, it doesn’t feel so heavy,” Simon told her.

Leah looked at him and smiled. “Does it feel better when you have someone who knows?” She asked.

Simon nodded. “Yeah, it does actually. With, well, with Blue—I call him Blue. When we started talking over email a few months ago, it was because we were both in the closet, and we had nobody to talk to about this stuff. Finding someone who was stuck in the same place as me, and being able to confide in them anonymously, it wasn’t something I could resist. I needed someone, and Blue was there. Talking to him about all this, it made things a lot easier.”

Leah nodded, but she looked troubled. She took a long sip of her iced coffee, focusing her eyes anywhere but on Simon.

“I wish I had someone like that,” She whispered. She frowned. “I mean, I have my mom. She knows. I never really told anyone before.”

Her eyes moved back to Simon, and Simon saw something hesitant and afraid there. He slowed down, staring at her.

Leah stopped too, turning towards him. Her eyes found his, soft and vulnerable in a way Simon rarely ever saw.

“I’m bisexual,” Leah whispered.

Simon smiled and pulled her into a tight hug. She resisted for a moment before giving in. Simon smiled as she held on tightly. Leah gave the best hugs whether she realized it or not.

“Thank you for telling me,” Simon told her.

Leah nodded into his shoulder. “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course, always,” Simon promised.

They parted and Simon’s smile softened. “What you said at lunch today in the band room, about feeling like there’s this thing that separates you from others and how you can’t really be a part of everything until you say this big thing, that’s what you were talking about?”

Leah nodded.

Simon pulled her into another hug. “I love you.”

“This is way too much love in one day, I’m not used to it,” Leah joked, arms limp.

“Tough, I love you,” Simon insisted.

She laughed and they pulled away, smiling at each other. They kept walking.

“Hey Leah, guess what,” Simon spoke up.

She looked at him, eyebrow raised wryly.

“I’m gay,” He told her, grinning from ear to ear.

It was the first time he said the word out loud.

Leah smiled. “Hey Simon, guess what,” She prompted him.

“What?” He asked.

“I’m bi,” She returned.

They laughed giddily, walking down the street with soft, light hearts.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, once again thank you for all the support and positivity towards my writing. I'll be uploading every few days. I hope you all liked this chapter, and if you'd be so kind, please leave kudos and comments, they keep me smiling through my day and keep my stress levels down.


	3. It feels so deeply wrong that the universe just gets to do that now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blue and Jacques email and consider the concept of soulmates a little more deeply. Simon tries to speak to Bram more.

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 19 at 8:49 PM

SUBJECT: It happened

 

Blue,

I came out today. It happened completely by accident, but I did it. I was so afraid when it happened, but my friend was completely wonderful about it. We hugged, I cried a little, and it was all okay. I mean, I’ve told you that I didn’t think it would be a problem coming out to my friends and family. That they’d be pretty accepting. But I never realized how honestly afraid I was.

I was talking about someone I liked, and I used ‘he’ instead of ‘they’ or whatever. It took a second to realize and when I did I was just frozen there, terrified of what she’d say. Then she told me it was okay, that she loved me and I didn’t have to be afraid. Then the hugging happened, and she’s not really a hugger so it meant a lot more to me.

I just never expected coming out to feel like this. I feel like everything changed, and only for the better. Even if I’m only out to you and her, it feels amazing. It feel like I could come out to more people, my family and other friends, and it would all be okay.

Today was a good day,

Jacques

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 19 at 9:19 PM

SUBJECT: It happened

 

Jacques,

I’m so proud of you. I’m also a little jealous, but mostly I’m just proud of you. I’m also very happy for you. You deserve all the love from your friends and family, all the support in the world. Knowing how well your coming out went makes me feel more hopeful about coming out. It gives me bravery.

It inspires me actually, thinking I can come out to my mom or maybe a friend soon. You inspire me Jacques.

Blue

 

 

Simon leaned back in his desk chair, smiling. He sunk down into the chair, heart full of something warm and soft.

 

* * *

 

The next few days passed peacefully. Nobody brought up the subject of soulmates after that lunch, and for the most part Simon managed to ignore that anything was different at all. He went to school, went to play practice, and emailed Blue.

He also took to watching Bram a little more closely, but that wasn’t supposed to mean anything.

Other than Bram was quiet, observant, and always paying attention at lunch. Bram was smart and paid very close attention in English, and probably in all his other classes to, even when their friends were messing around.

Maybe this had changed one thing, but Simon wasn’t going to make a big deal about it.

 

* * *

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 23 at 11:24 PM

SUBJECT: Happy Birthday to you

 

Jacques,

Happy Birthday! The Scorpio zodiac period has passed, so you must have had your birthday by now, right? Happy 17th Birthday :)

Blue

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 23 at 3:33 PM

SUBJECT: Happy Birthday to you

 

Blue,

It doesn’t feel real sometimes, being seventeen. You know that weird period after you turn a year older and you still tell everyone your old age? It’s like that, but in my head. I keep thinking I’m just sixteen and then I remember.

I’d like to say that your advice on how to hide my soulmate name was very helpful. For the most part, everyone’s just let me live my life without questioning me and I’ve been able to just keep going on as if everything is normal.

It’s kind of nice, the feeling of normal.

Jacques

 

 

Simon stared at the email as he sent it, and then it was gone. Something about it felt strangely empty and un-whole. He felt like he’d left something unfinished in that email. He stared at the screen for a long moment, debating it. Then he clicked the ‘compose’ button.

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 23 at 3:39 PM

SUBJECT: Open the last email first, this one second

 

Blue,

I guess looking back at that last email, I feel like I left it unfinished. At the same time I feel like this needs to be a separate email because there’s so much I want to say. I think I need to talk to someone to process it.

I think I’m angry at the universe. It’s hard to explain why I’m angry. I’m not really angry at the idea of soulmates anymore. It still bothers me a little, but I’m maybe getting over it. It’s not who it is either. Or at least, I don’t think it is. It’s just that I realized something.

I know who this person is, and he’s not out. I don’t know if he’s gay or maybe bi but whatever it is, he’s not out. At least, not to me. The universe outed him to me, and I feel so unbelievably angry for him. Coming out, it’s supposed to be our thing. We should be the ones who get to decide when and where we come out, who we tell and how we tell them. The universe putting my name on somebody’s body and outing me to them angers me so much, you have no idea.

Obviously I can’t tell you who he is. Having him outed to me already seems unjustly unfair, let alone me doing it to him too. I don’t know why I feel the need to say this. Of course you would understand how I feel about not sharing his name.

I guess I wish it was different.

Jacques

 

 

Simon stared at the email, trying to decide if he was satisfied with what he said. He read it again, made a few edits, and decided that was as good as he could make it. He only hoped Blue understood.

A few hours later, he got a reply.

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 23 at 7:12 PM

SUBJECT: I never thought of it like that

 

Jacques,

It’s what the subject says. I never thought of soulmates like that. I guess I had this idealistic idea of soulmates for the longest time. I never considered how complicated it all is. I guess I only thought of it from my end, how I could be outed by a name on my skin. I never thought about the way it outed my soulmate to have their name on my skin too.

It feels so deeply wrong that the universe just gets to do that now.

I also feel guilty for never thinking of my soulmate that way.

I think the subject is giving me a headache. I have a lot of thoughts about it now, and I’m not sure how to articulate them, or if I even want to share them. Soulmates are more complicated than I thought.

I hope things find a way to be easier for you,

Blue

 

 

Something felt off about Simon, something the email had induced. It occurred to him then.

How many closeted gay guys could he possibly know. Clearly more than he realized, or maybe still just one. Maybe just Bram. Maybe just Blue.

He looked back at his email list. He only got two kinds of emails on this account. Emails from Tumblr, which were rare because hardly anyone followed his Tumblr account, and emails from Blue.

He went back to the first email, and he read.

Hours later it sunk in how little he knew about Bram, and how few identity-giving details Blue had given away. All in all, it made it very hard to connect anymore than a few dots.

Halloween Oreos, went to a Halloween party, quiet and shy.

He hated to see how much his Simon Logic, as his dad called it, wanted to connect those dots together. He had to remind himself how vague those details were, how easily they could apply to multiple people.

Hell, Leah was shy but managed to go to a Halloween party, and also liked Halloween Oreos. Leah most definitely wasn’t Blue.

For once he kept Simon Logic at bay and tried to find something more concrete, but the truth is, it came down to this: The best way to tell if Blue and Bram were one in the same was to finally talk to Bram.

 

* * *

 

 

Simon caught himself staring at Bram a lot in English class. He caught himself staring at Bram’s knobby fingers as he wrote down notes, and the way the sleeves of his sweater were bunched at the elbow. He also caught himself staring at the large yearly calendar on Mr. Wise’s wall, wondering when Bram’s birthday was.

Maybe he could ask everyone at the table that.

Maybe he could manage to do that without it being weird.

Simon, hater of the concept of soulmates, asking people when they would get their names.

Well, actually, he didn’t think he really hated the idea of soulmates now, but there was something about the system that perplexed him and bothered him.

Something about the way Bram’s sleeves were bunched up at the elbow made something sharp stab him in the heart. He hoped for Bram’s sake that he was lucky like Simon and got his mark somewhere he could easily hide it, and not somewhere obvious like Leah, who had to wear a wrist band to hide hers.

 

* * *

 

 

At lunch Simon posed the question. All it did was earn him stares, confused expressions, and questions.

“So, when are your guys’ birthdays?” He asked them.

Leah kept quiet, but Nick raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Why do you ask?” He asked carefully.

Simon shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“We’re just wondering when we should plan the next birthday,” Leah answered coolly, sounding calm and almost at ease in the situation. Simon caught something wary in her eyes as she looked across the table. Her eyes close to meeting Abby’s.

“Well, mine’s not till June,” Nick mentioned.

“February, on the 28th,” Garrett answered.

“August 3rd,” Abby answered.

Leah frowned and stared down at the table.

“I guess that makes Bram the one who’s next,” Garrett mentioned.

Simon turned towards Bram in a way that he could only define as _too quick to seem casual_.

Bram stared at his tray, lips pressed together. Uncomfortable was the only word Simon had for the way Bram looked, and suddenly Simon felt guilty for asking in the first place. Maybe Bram was dreading his birthday as much as Simon had dreaded his.

“Eighteenth of January,” Bram mumbled.

His eyes slid towards the rest of them, kept down, but Simon couldn’t help feeling it was directed at him somehow. He never felt shittier for being nosey.

Eighteenth of January.

Simon had less than two months, and then Bram would know.

 

* * *

 

 

Leah was sprawled across his bed, scowling at the ceiling. Simon watched her from his desk, overly aware of the bad mood she was in. It had been this way since Monday. Simon didn’t know what had happened, or how to bring it up.

“It’s so fucking unfair sometimes,” Leah mumbled.

Simon looked at her for a long moment and stood up. “How so?” He asked as he crawled onto the bed.

“Like, I just have this huge secret on my wrist and nobody knows. Like, I couldn’t even tell my mom because then she’s going to get super interested in finding out more about her, so I just,” Leah trailed off. “It feels like this secret is burning my skin sometimes.”

Simon nodded. He laid down beside her.

“Do you know her?” Simon asked softly.

Leah didn’t move. Simon figured that probably meant yes.

“It’s like, I know it’s her, but I can’t tell her. Like sometimes I want to scream ‘hey, look, we’re meant to be together’ but I can’t. She doesn’t know. She’s not going to know for a long time,” Leah explained. She looked close to tears. It made something in Simon hurt to see. He’d never seen her actually cry.

He stared up at the ceiling and nodded. “I know who he is. He’s not out, so I’ve been afraid to even talk to him. I feel like it would be so invasive if I just walked up to him and talked to him. Like he’d somehow suspect I knew and he’d be nervous. I know how I’d feel if someone, even someone I knew, just walked up to me and knew my biggest secret. It’d feel like someone threw me down a pit with no rope and I had to find a way to land safely.”

Leah was quiet for a long moment. “This is the worst,” She mumbled.

Simon nodded.

They were quiet for a long time.

“I had this moment with him once. It wasn’t really a moment. It was a night. A night where I thought we had something special,” Simon mumbled.

“You just look at them and something feels different, feels right. They feel like this amazing person who’s so new and interesting to you, and it’s so confusing but so wonderful. It feels like the world is softer when I talk to her,” Leah mumbled.

Simon nodded. “The whole night I thought, this is him, this is Blue,” Simon whispered.

Leah looked at him, surprised. Then her expression softened. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you were looking for Blue instead of your soulmate,” She mumbled.

Simon sighed through his nose. “I feel very confused sometimes. If he’s not Blue, and Blue’s not him, then I’m a terrible person,” Simon whispered.

Her eyebrows furrowed. “How could that make you a terrible person?” She asked, voice barely above a whisper.

“Because I like someone who’s not my soulmate, and either way, somebody would get hurt. It’s so confusing,” Simon explained.

“And if they’re the same person? What then?” She asked.

“Then I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think the universe is kind enough for me to have magically found the person I’m apparently meant to be with so easily.” He sighed. “Well, not easily. If anything, just meeting like normal soulmates probably would have been easier.”

Leah huffed. “How exactly do you think soulmates meet?” She mumbled.

“I mean, they have their names when they’re seventeen. What’s the likelihood that you find your soulmate before age seventeen?” Simon asked.

She was quiet for a long time. “Much more often than you think,” She mumbled.

“My parents were in the same high school, but they didn’t actually know each other until my dad got his name, and then, well…” Simon trailed off.

“The rest is history,” Leah finished, grinning at Simon, the hint of a joke in her smile.

“So sometimes it happens in high school, but sometimes soulmates don’t meet until they’re sixty or something. It’s so all over the place. It feels like anything could happen to anyone, except me,” Simon told her.

“But you already know him?” Leah checked.

Simon nodded. “Yeah,” He mumbled.

“So you found him, you had this moment with him, and you think the universe isn’t working in your favor?” She asked him.

Simon frowned. “Maybe you’re right,” He mumbled. He looked at Leah. “Did you know before you got her name?”

Leah looked up at the ceiling. “Almost,” She whispered.

“There was something special about her, I knew that, but it took me a while to figure it out. It was like…” She trailed off. “Like here’s this person who’s the definition of perfect, how could I not like her? I mean, I don’t normally like girls like that, but then I talk to her. There’s something different about her, and when she looks at me I feel something so weird in my chest that I don’t get with normal crushes. Because I’ve had crushes before, but she’s different.”

Leah sighed. “Of course she’s different. She’s the person I’m supposed to be with, but I didn’t see it coming. I knew there was something amazing about her, and it confused me like nothing else, but then I wake up one morning with her name on my wrist and I just sort of flip out because… what if she sees? What if she knows? And then, what if she’s disappointed at first, because, well, I’m me. Then what?”

Simon gave her a soft glare for her disparaging comment on herself. “She would love you instantly,” He promised.

There was a small place in his heart that was always afraid Blue would meet him and be disappointed in him somehow. Now there’s this place in Simon’s heart that lives right next door, but it’s reserved for Bram. He’s afraid Bram will be disappointed when he finds out Simon is his soulmate. Two little knots of self-doubt and anxiety curled up together in his heart, coexisting in a way that’s surprisingly peaceful for how conflicted he feels about both of them.

“I have these moments with her where I think, maybe. Maybe she wants that,” Leah whispered.

Simon nodded. He thought of Beirut and Bram gently taking his glasses off. Then the look of being caught doing something he shouldn’t and trying to instantly reason that he only did it so that Simon would see better and be able to win at Beirut, which they did. Leah and Abby took a total defeat that night. He thought of karaoke and Bram’s soft brown eyes finding Simon’s mid-song. Like the crowd disappeared. The moment where Simon thought he must be Blue. What else could explain this feeling in his chest when he stood by Bram’s side, singing like nothing else mattered.

It made sense in a weird way now. Why that feeling in his chest existed.

Even if he wasn’t Blue, there was obviously something in Bram that Simon connected to. Like his heart knew before his brain, and maybe it did.

The mental image of Bram kissing the girl at the party made a reappearance again. It had happened again and again, reliving that awful memory. The feeling of embarrassment and shame for accidentally thinking a straight boy was Blue and nearly being ready to share his secret to someone he knew, but also barely knew.

Bram was drunk that night. Simon knew that. Or, was at least pretty sure of that. Bram drank as much as he did, maybe more, but Simon didn’t know what Bram’s alcohol tolerance was like. Maybe he was still all there, and maybe he was half gone and kissing a girl he barely knew because it just happened.

The thought made him a little sick to his stomach.

He guessed that what he wanted was another moment with Bram. Another moment to see if that feeling existed still in his chest, if there was something there and he hadn’t been horribly wrong on Halloween.

 

* * *

 

 

The first chance he got, he took it. Bram, Nick, and Garrett were sitting on the couch in Mr. Wise’s classroom. The second Nick saw him he made room for Simon, scooting himself to the end of the couch so that a space between Nick and Bram existed just for him. Simon stood there for a moment, surprised, and then sat down before anyone could notice anything weird.

Four people on the couch was pushing it, but not abnormal. Simon tried to make himself as small as possible so that nobody felt overcrowded.

He looked up at Bram, who had his attention pinned to the blank page on his notebook.

“Hey,” Simon whispered.

Bram looked up, surprised like he’d only just noticed Simon. “Hey,” He whispered shyly.

Class began before anything else could happen, before anything so much as another one syllable word could be shared. Bram looked past Simon at the front of the class, moving his hand away from where it was pressed against Simon’s. Simon didn’t realize it was there until it was gone. His arm stayed in the space between their bodies, warm and secure. Then, two minutes in Bram took a break from writing and his arm settled back down into the place between their sides, his arm overlapping Simon’s like they were laying on top of each other, his elbow pressing into the crook of Simon’s arm.

Simon was thoroughly embarrassed by how much it made his heart speed up and his cheeks burn.

Bram went back to writing but his elbow didn’t move away from the crook of Simon’s left elbow. It stayed there as his hand messily scrawled across the page, different from the perfectly neat handwriting on the page beside it from yesterday.

It made Simon wonder.

Was he overthinking this?

Or was Bram purposely pressing his arm into Simon’s even if it made it harder for him to take notes.

 

* * *

 

 

Thanksgiving was always fun and chaos, but this time it was better because Alice was finally home from college. Simon didn’t realize how much he missed her until they were eating chocolate chip cookies with peanut butter smeared on top, sitting in the basement doing nothing.

“So everyone’s been suspiciously quiet about your most recent birthday,” Alice mentioned, raising an eyebrow.

Simon tensed up, shoving a cookie into his mouth to buy him time before he had to speak.

Nora shrugged, looking down the jar of peanut butter as her knife scraped the edges for more. “He kind of made a thing about us not making a big deal about it,” She explained to Alice.

Alice took a bite of a cookie, chewed thoughtfully, and spoke. “I mean, it makes sense I guess. You’re the most anti-soulmate person I know. I guess you’d want to sweep it under the rug,” She commented.

Simon glared.

“It’s not like that,” Simon mumbled. “I just don’t like the idea that I don’t get to choose who I fall in love with. Why should the universe get to decide?”

Alice laughed, but with peanut butter in her mouth it sounded like a scoff. “I mean, have you seen Mom and Dad? Like ever? They’re super in love and they’ve been together years. I think the universe knew what it was talking about when it paired them up together.”

Simon stared at the carpet of the basement, silent.

Nora looked at Simon with a sympathetic frown before she turned her attention to Alice. “So Alice, find your soulmate yet? Universe have a plan for how you’ll meet too?”

Alice’s eyes went wide and she looked away, frowning. “No,” She mumbled defensively.

Simon looked at her, a feeling in his stomach that said she was lying.

She’d disappear for hours into her room, taking on the phone for ages. Something was going on.

“Maybe don’t get nosey about other people’s soulmates until you’re ready to share,” Simon mumbled.

Alice glared. Nothing else was said.

  

* * *

 

 

There was another moment, short and brief. Where Simon walked up to the table to find that Bram was the first there and nobody had shown up yet. Impulsively, Simon sat down next to Bram instead of taking his usual seat. Bram looked up at him, wide eyed and startled. Simon smiled, but something in his stomach twisted nervously.

“Is it okay if I sit here?” He asked.

Bram hesitated for a moment before nodding.

“Thanks,” Simon told him.

Bram didn’t say anything more, and Simon stared at his tray, wondering if he’d made things awkward. He ate a fry and stole a glance at Bram.

“Would you like some of my fries?” Simon asked.

Bram looked over, eyebrows up. “Sure,” He murmured.

He took two fries and ate them, a wide smile spreading on his face, a dimple showing.

The smile made Simon’s heart go soft.

“You can have more, I don’t mind sharing,” He added to Bram.

Bram looked at him skeptically.

“I’m not feeling very hungry today,” He added.

“Something wrong?” Bram asked.

Simon shook his head. “No,” He answered. “I guess maybe I got too much food from the lunch line, and I can’t eat all of it.”

Bram slowly took another fry. Simon smiled.

“What’s with the seating change?” Leah asked, walking up to the table with her bagged lunch from home in hand.

Simon shrugged, trying to be casual but his cheeks got a little warm. He didn’t know what to say.

“Erm, I guess I just felt like a change for today?” It wasn’t meant as a question, but that’s certainly how it came out.

Leah raised an eyebrow as she sat down but she said nothing. Simon nodded and ate one of his carrots. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bram take another floppy french-fry. Abby walked up, tilted her head at Simon for the seating change, and sat down next to Leah instead of her usual seat.

“Topsy-turvy day,” Abby joked.

Both Simon and Abby missed the red blush on Leah’s cheeks.

Simon wordlessly stole an orange slice from Bram’s lunch from home. Bram stole another fry.

 

* * *

 

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 30 at 7:19 PM

SUBJECT: Impending doom- part II

 

Jacques,

I take back the jokes I made about your feeling dread over your birthday and your soulmate name. I don’t think I really understood until today. I guess it sunk in today just how close my birthday is, and what it might mean.

It’s the weirdest thing. Nobody even mentioned my birthday or anything about soulmates. It wasn’t even a conversation really. It was this really benign, innocent moment between me and this cute guy. We’ve had a few moments like that recently, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe he likes me, but I can never tell. I guess then I realized, having a guy like me is a very real, tangible thing. One day I’m going to find my soulmate and I can’t help but wonder what that will feel like.

Will it feel like this? Will it feel even better? I can’t imagine what better feels like.

My birthday is coming soon, and eventually I’m going to have a name somewhere on my body. It’s never been a more abstract concept in my life than it has today. That person, according to the universe as you put it, is going to be with me forever.

That feels both terrifying and exciting Jacques…

Blue

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you to everyone who has been reading this story, and to everyone who commented. Last chapter some of you thought very deeply about components to the story and what was going on underneath everything, and I really loved it. Critical thinking is a skill I'm still learning in school, so watching others do it, especially for my work, makes me feel very special and touched. Sometimes I get late to replying, but know that I love all of your comments and that they make my entire day.
> 
> If you are feeling so kind, leave a comment for this chapter because this is honestly makes my week


	4. You're not my soulmate, but I want you to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon rolls a perception check and rolls a Nat-20. (Excuse the D&D reference, but my headcanon is that Simon chronically rolls low perception checks, our little disaster gay)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very email heavy, and I'm really excited for everyone to read it.
> 
> Also I'm giving the chapters titles now, check it out

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 30 at 7:19 PM

SUBJECT: Impending doom- part II

 

Jacques,

I take back the jokes I made about your feeling dread over your birthday and your soulmate name. I don’t think I really understood until today. I guess it sunk in today just how close my birthday is, and what it might mean.

It’s the weirdest thing. Nobody even mentioned my birthday or anything about soulmates. It wasn’t even a conversation really. It was this really benign, innocent moment between me and this cute guy. We’ve had a few moments like that recently, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe he likes me, but I can never tell. I guess then I realized, having a guy like me is a very real, tangible thing. One day I’m going to find my soulmate and I can’t help but wonder what that will feel like.

Will it feel like this? Will it feel even better? I can’t imagine what better feels like.

My birthday is coming soon, and eventually I’m going to have a name somewhere on my body. It’s never been a more abstract concept in my life than it has today. That person, according to the universe as you put it, is going to be with me forever.

That feels both terrifying and exciting Jacques…

Blue

 

 

Simon stared at the email. Blue’s birthday was coming soon. How soon? A week? A few weeks? A month? Months? Maybe he was overthinking that, but the knowledge that Blue was quickly approaching his seventeenth birthday was strangely terrifying and exciting for him too.

If anything, Simon knew he wanted to ease Blue’s worries. He didn’t want Blue to dread his birthday in the way Simon had. He still vividly remembered the pain on his hip when he got Bram’s name, and always wondered if his hate for soulmates was the reason the universe saw fit for him to go through all that pain.

More than anything, he wanted Blue have a good experience on his seventeenth his birthday.

Simon looked at the clock. The email had been sent a few minutes ago, so there was a chance Blue still had his email open while he was on the internet. Simon clicked the ‘reply’ button.

He stared at his email for a moment as he thought of the right thing to say.

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 30 at 7:25 PM

SUBJECT: Impending doom- part II

 

Blue,

To be honest I’m not sure what to say. I guess what I want you to know is that it doesn’t have to be as scary as you think it is. If it helps, the truth is I’ve warmed up to the idea of soulmates since getting my mark. It’s a little strange still, and I still have a few issues with the idea that something chose for me, but I guess I don’t mind as much now.

Don’t feel worried when it happens. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

I don’t know if this is helpful, but I hope it is. And remember, I’m right here with you when you need me.

Jacques

 

 

Simon sent the email and closed his computer for a moment. He sat there in silence, just thinking. He was, for the most part, honest with what he said. He was being honest when he said he was warming up to the idea of soulmates, but he was pretty sure the only reason he was starting to like the idea was because it was Bram.

He had completely lied about how bad it was to actually get it in the moment, but he didn’t want to scare Blue. He wanted Blue to feel okay and safe in the moment. He didn’t want Blue to experience anything near the pain Simon experienced.

When he felt brave enough, he opened his computer again and logged into his email.

Another email was waiting for him.

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 30 at 7:36

SUBJECT: Am I crazy?

 

Jacques,

Hearing that even a cynic like you can come around to the idea of soulmates actually does help. Thank you.

Blue

P.S. Jacques, would it be completely insane to wonder if our soulmates were each other?

 

 

Simon felt something in his chest hurt and he leaned forward on the desk, curling his head into his folded arms. Was it possible?

The feeling in his chest ached at the idea. Blue? Bram? One in the same? His soulmate?

He sniffled, feeling overly aware that tears were slipping past his eyelashes and dripping into the sleeves of his shirt.

Was the universe more kind and benevolent than Simon gave it credit for being?

Simon closed his email and then immediately opened another window and logged back into his gmail.

There was another email.

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 30 at 7:39 PM

SUBJECT: I’m sorry

 

Jacques,

That was probably way too presumptuous. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I guess I just got caught up in the knowledge that you know your soulmate in real life, which might mean he goes to Creekwood too. I guess the hopeful part of me wondered if maybe that wasn’t one coincidence too many.

I’m really sorry Jacques.

Blue

 

  

Simon stared at the email. Then cautiously he started composing a new email.

Because he couldn’t deny he wanted Blue and Bram to be the same person. But he also couldn’t forget that if they weren’t he was potentially setting Blue up to heartbreak. That was something he could not risk. He didn’t want to ever hurt Blue in any way.

He started composing a new email.

He got caught on the email address.

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: bluegreen118@gm

 

 

bluegreen118

1-18

January on the eighteenth.

Bram Louis Greenfeld, whose birthday was next month in January, on the eighteenth.

It couldn’t be possible. But what if it was?

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Nov 30 at 7:56 PM

SUBJECT: Are we? (soulmates or crazy)

 

Blue,

I won’t say whether you’re crazy or not, but I will say this. How many closeted gay kids do you think there are in Creekwood High?

Blue, I don’t think we’ll know for sure until we’re ready to come out to each other. And I really want to meet you, but I know you’re not ready and I only want to meet you when we’re both 100% ready to. I don’t want to rush either of us.

Until then I’m perfectly okay just knowing you like this.

Jacques

 

* * *

 

The next few emails between them stayed entirely off the topic of soulmates. Instead Blue told him about his dad coming into town for Hotel Hanukah and the struggles of coming out to divorced parents who barely talked to each other. Simon mentioned random stories that happened in his life. A story about what he did with his sisters over Thanksgiving break, something dumb Nick did after school, a memory from when he was nine and learning how much he hated sports, because of course his dad would put him in Little League. It was just casual emailing, just talking for the companionship.

Before walking into the school, Simon sat in his car, looking at the email he’d gotten last night but hadn’t replied to yet.

Casanova, Casanova. Hotel Hanukah and not coming out but wanting to. _Why is it so much easier talking about this stuff with you? – maybe because I’m so cute and grammatical –_ Blue said, again, that he was cute, and that should lump him in with all the cute boys Blue can’t seem to talk to, but it doesn’t. Blue thinks he’s cute and can talk to him, enjoys talking to him.

— _you wanted to hear me call you cute again, so I will. You’re cute Jacques. And I guess you have a thing about sentence fragments but I sort of love it_ —

Sentence fragments and accidentally revealing it was Mr. Wise who said it to him in English class. He’d accidentally given away a clue to his identity, and maybe that worried him, but maybe it was a good thing. Maybe it was a small step in finding Blue, a small step in finding Bram.

A name existed on his hip, written in soft ink. It might as well have included his email.

The thoughts kept buzzing around in his head as Simon walked into the school. Abby was waiting by his locker for homeroom. They fell into step easily, talking about something Taylor said in practice the previous day.

Simon couldn’t keep from thinking about what happened after homeroom. English. Mr. Wise. Bram, and the unintentional clue to his identity. He pictured Bram looking around the classroom, wondering if Jacques was somewhere in the sea of desks.

The couch in Mr. Wise’s class was held up by Nick, Garrett, Leah, and Abby. Bram was nowhere to be seen. Eyebrows pulling together in worry, Simon sat down quietly. He turned and watched his friends. Nick and Garrett were joking around and acting like idiots. Next to them Leah and Abby were quietly hunched over Leah’s phone. Abby was wide eyed and smiling brightly, and Leah, being Leah, was blushing and shrinking into herself in a way that made Simon think Abby must have done something special like comment on her art. Nobody ever really saw Leah’s art though. Simon barely saw it, but when he did it was amazing. Seeing Abby and Leah closer together, it made something in Simon’s heart soften.

Someone sat down in the desk in front of him and Simon looked up. It was Bram. The soft feeling in his heart magnified and his heart started beating a little fast.

The bell rung then, and Mr. Wise began class. It occurred to Simon that Bram had almost been late to class, and that seemed very unlike Bram.

“…into groups of two or three. I will assign you a small passage and you will analyze it, interpret it, and apply that interpretation to the rest of The Great Gatsby.”

Everyone got up and started moving around and Simon looked around in confusion.

“Bram, what are they doing?” Simon asked him.

Bram sat still for a moment before turning around. “We’re getting into groups and analyzing a passage from the book,” Bram whispered.

“Oh, okay,” Simon mumbled. He looked up at Bram as he was looking over at Garrett. “Hey, do you want to partner up?”

Bram whipped head around to look at Simon, caught off guard.

Simon tried to smile. “It’s just, we’re already sitting together and I think the others are pairing up on the couch. Besides, we never work together,” Simon explained, hoping that sounded both reasonable and casual.

Bram stared at him for a moment and nodded. After a moment of thought he got up and pushed his desk so it faced sideways towards the window, Simon on his left and the front of the classroom on his right. Simon smiled softly.

Mr. Wise came by handing small papers with text assignments. Bram went straight to work, digging into his worn copy of The Great Gatsby. It seemed strange to Simon, seeing a book so worn when he saw Bram as such a neat, person. It also wasn’t the dark blue cover with lips that everyone else had, it was white with green print and an art deco design around the boarder.

“I like the cover of your book,” Simon mumbled. He stared at his notebook the second he said that, mentally calling himself an idiot.

Bram looked at him for a second. “Oh, yeah. It’s an older edition. It’s my dad’s actually,” Bram explained softly.

Casanova, Freaking Casanova.

“Does he give you a lot of books?” Simon asked him, uncertain.

Bram looked at him for a long moment and smiled. “He does. He’s an English teacher.”

Simon smiled back. “You’re really good in English. I noticed.” Simon chewed on his tongue for a moment at Bram looked up at him with a shy smile, almost as uncertain as Simon felt in that moment.

“You noticed?” He asked, that small, shy smile growing a little.

Simon nodded. “Well, Mr. Wise has accidentally given me some of your homework by accident, so I guess I noticed the grades and…” Simon trailed off, heart beating nervously. That sounded creepy and invasive. How did he suddenly forget how to talk to Bram?

Or, really, more accurately, how was it he never learned to talk to Bram before he found out they were soulmates and penpals?

But Bram smiled. “I have this theory actually about why Mr. Wise keeps giving back the wrong homework,” He mentioned.

Simon grinned. “Okay, I’m listening.”

“I think he needs reading glasses, but I think he’s too embarrassed by it because he thinks it will mean he’s old, so he just squints and holds the paper at awkward angles,” Bram explained.

Simon’s eyes widened. “I never thought of that,” He whispered.

Bram smiled, looking down at his book. Simon did the same, trying to at least pretend he wanted to do this assignment.

Smart, observant Bram.

 

* * *

 

It struck Simon as ridiculous how few opportunities he had to talk to Bram alone, and how easily he managed to waste almost all of them. It made him wonder if somewhere that was intentional, if Bram just avoided talking to him. If Simon was one of those cute guys Bram can’t talk to, maybe that’s why they’ve never spoken.

There was just a month left before Bram’s seventeenth birthday, and that day felt like it was coming too quickly and dragging its way too slowly at the same time. Simon didn’t know why.

It came down to this: As excited as Simon was to know Bram and figure this thing out together, he wasn’t sure if he was really ready for Bram to know who he was. One way or another, Bram will know who he really is, even if the dots didn’t connect all at once.

 

* * *

 

 

He found another moment with Bram in English before the class had started, just a week before Christmas break. They had been crammed into the couch again, Abby and Leah on Simon’s right, and Nick and Garrett on Bram’s left. Simon didn’t know how they managed to cram six people onto a couch. Abby was sitting on the arm rest of all places, half leaning on Leah to keep her balance. Garrett was practically sitting on Nick’s lap, and Simon wasn’t sure how far he was willing to go with this joke.

They were all ridiculous, but it felt so strangely perfect in that moment.

Simon turned to Bram. They were so close his chin almost touched Bram’s shoulder. “So what are your plans for the break?” He asked Bram quietly.

Pressed so close to Bram, Simon could feel the moment his shoulders hunched in and locked tensely. Bram turned to look at Simon, surprised.

Simon wished Bram didn’t feel so nervous around him. He wanted so badly for Bram to feel comfortable around Simon.

 “My parents are divorced, so I’m spending one half of the break with my mom, and then the other half with my dad in Savannah,” He explained softly.

Simon smiled. “I hope it’s a fun winter break for you,” He whispered.

Bram stared at Simon for a long moment. The soft expressiveness of Bram’s eyes became open and vulnerable in a way Simon had never seen before, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. That moment of staring lasted for what felt like forever, and then Bram ducked his head, staring at the old copy of The Great Gatsby in his hand.

Simon looked away, tried to pay attention to what Abby and Leah were talking about, but he couldn’t pay attention.

“What about you?” Bram asked him quietly.

Simon turned to Bram, finding him still staring down at his book.

“What about me?” He asked, heart stammering nervously, cheeks warm.

“What are you doing over the break?” Bram asked.

Simon let out a nervous, relieved laugh. “Oh, my sister Alice is coming home from college. We’ll do all the usual Spier traditions. Open presents, watch movies, and eat way too much of Nora’s fantastic cooking.” Simon found himself grinning with excitement.

“That sounds fun,” Bram murmured.

Simon nodded, smiling. “Yeah, I’m really excited,” He murmured.

Their eyes met for a moment, staring just a little too long.

Then Garrett crashed onto their laps with a startled yelp. Simon winced at the impact, but Bram was completely unsurprised.

“What Laughlin, Nick get tired of your shit?” Leah teased, smirking down at him as their classmates snickered at him.

Garrett smiled up at her sheepishly before he became aware his head was still in her lap and he rolled off the couch and onto the floor. On the other side of the classroom Mr. Wise looked unamused. The group of six smiled innocently, mumbling apologies for being disruptive.

Garrett got up and found a desk in a nearby row, grinning at Bram. Bram scoffed, hid a laugh under his breath. Simon turned to Bram again, smiling at the adorable soft laugh. He didn’t know Bram could laugh like that, so low it was a secret only for those literally close enough to hear.

 

* * *

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Dec 18 at 4:12 PM

SUBJECT: You might not be, but I want you to be

 

Jacques,

I’ve been thinking about it. I’ve been thinking about it more than is probably healthy. My mom’s a doctor, so maybe I could get a diagnosis. Am I obsessed?

The more and more I think about it, the more I wonder about my soulmate. Jacques, before I know, I want to tell you something.

It’s entirely possible that you’re not my soulmate, but I want you to be. I want it to be you.

I can’t believe I finally said it. I can’t believe I finally typed it out and that I’m finally sending it.

Blue

 

 

The words of the email played around in Simon’s brain on a loop. _It’s entirely possible that you’re not my soulmate, but I want you to be…_

It felt so like Blue to put his heart on the line and write something so open and honest, to send it even when he wasn’t sure how Jacques would react. It surprised Simon sometimes, how the cautious boy he met through their secret emails could be so bold sometimes.

Simon set his laptop to the side and fell back on his bed.

… _you’re not my soulmate, but I want you to be_ …

Simon smiled. There was a wonderful surprise waiting for them in a month.

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Dec 18 at 10:49 PM

SUBJECT: I want to be

 

Blue,

I want to tell you something: I want it to be you too. I’ve spent so much time trying to reconcile the idea that it might not be you, because here’s the thing. Blue, even if you weren’t my soulmate, I think I would still choose you. There’s this place in my heart Blue, and it’s just for you. Nobody could fill that space, just you.

Even if it’s not me, we’re still us. This is still possible, we just have to decide what we want.

Love,

Jacques

 

 

Simon sent the email before he realized what he’d signed off with.

_Love, Jacques._

Love.

He just did that. He just sent Blue a message with his heart on the line, just like Blue. Open, honest, even if it was from behind a screen. It made him breathless and Simon collapsed against the pillows, stunned. He just did that. Said the thing he’s wanted to say for too long.

 

* * *

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Dec 19 at 7:10 AM

SUBJECT: I want to be

 

Jacques,

You know who your soulmate is already. Can I ask you something? Would you know if it was me? Do you think we secretly know each other well enough that you could have already connected the dots?

I feel ridiculous even asking that.

With that, I’d like to end this email with-

Love

Blue

 

 

Simon stared at his phone, grinning. He was too unbelievably happy about right now. Too happy to walk into class without arising suspicion, so he turned some music on and put his phone away and relaxed. Ten minutes later he got out and went into the school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter got more comments than I can count, and it honestly meant so much to me. The last few days have been spent with a lot of smiles and motivation to keep going. I've been stuck on the ninth chapter, but now I'm getting on it, and I have a plan.
> 
> So thank you to everyone who supports this story and all my other works, you inspire me and my writing, and I can't thank you enough. It looks like I'll be posting new chapters Sundays and Wednesdays for this story, so keep an eye out on those days.
> 
> Chapter Ten might take a while to complete, so after chapter nine I might not post again for a while. I'm writing an epilogue for Leah and Abby and I'm not sure how long it will be, but it will certainly take a while. To be honest it might as well be its own story, so it might be published separately. I'll keep you updated there.


	5. You'll Always Be Simon. You Get To Exhale Simon.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon spends Winter Break with his family. It's a very wonderful two weeks.

The last day of school before winter break was relatively easy. Teachers didn’t want to assign classwork they’d have to grade over break, so half the time they were watching movies or playing games.

In algebra class everyone was doing their own thing. Some students were talking or playing games on their phones, others were doing homework for other classes or reading alone. Bram was sitting in the front corner of the classroom, near the windows, reading. Simon wanted so badly to talk to him, but wondered if maybe he’d annoy Bram if he interrupted him.

Nora would bite his head off if he interrupted her while reading.

But Blue had been bold when he admitted that he wished Simon was his soulmate, and Simon had to be bold too.

Standing, Simon walked over to the empty spot next to Bram and sat down. Bram didn’t notice, he was too far into his book. Simon realized maybe that was for the best and settled to just keep Bram silent company, so he pulled out the YA book Abby had loaned him to read. He had already read the first few chapters and he was just starting to get into it when something small crashed on the desk next to him.

Simon looked up at Bram’s startled expression and the book he’d been reading laying upside down, spine bent on the desk.

“When did you start sitting there?” Bram whispered.

Simon looked down sheepishly. “I, well, I wanted to talk to you but you were really into your book so I thought I should just let you read in peace,” He explained, shrugging.

Bram still looked stunned.

“I haven’t been sitting here that long, only a few minutes,” Simon added, hoping that made this seem less weird.

Bram didn’t say anything.

“Is the book good?” Simon asked.

Bram nodded, but said nothing else. Simon felt his cheeks heat and stared down at his open book. This hadn’t gone at all in the way he had hoped it would.

“What book are you reading?” Bram asked.

Simon looked up, eyes wide as they met Bram’s. He held up the book so he could see the cover. “It’s called _The Alchemist: The Secrets of The Immortal Nicholas Flamel_. Abby loaned it to me, she said it was really good,” Simon answered.

Bram nodded. “It is actually very good. I read it last year,” He agreed.

Simon smiled. “It’s funny, I always trust bookworms to know what the best books are,” He mentioned softly, staring down at the green book cover. “My sister reads a lot and pretty much every book she’s ever recommended has been good.”

After a moment Simon looked up to see Bram smiling softly at him. He glanced away but Simon watched for a moment.

“Any other good books you’ve read lately,” Simon asked.

“Are you starting a reading list?” Bram asked lowly, a touch of a smile on his face.

Simon wondered if that was subtly sarcastic or sincere. The soft, low tone of Bram’s voice made him feel it could go either way.

“My sister keeps saying I have to learn to read more than just Harry Potter, so yeah, maybe a reading list is a good idea,” He mentioned.

Bram nodded. He was quiet for a moment, and Simon gave him the moment to think.

“It’s weird, I can’t think of any good recommendations off the top of my head,” Bram mumbled.

Simon shrugged. “It’s not really a big deal,” He assured him softly. “Maybe your favorite book?”

Bram laughed. “That’s like trying to pick a favorite child or a favorite pet. There are so many good ones it’s hard to find an absolute favorite,” He told Simon.

“I guarantee you, Nora is my dad’s favorite kid. Clearly it’s not that hard,” Simon joked, grinning.

Bram sobered up at that, wondering if that was something he should really be laughing at or not. Simon’s easy-going smile seemed to convince him it was okay, because he smiled back.

“I guess I’m lucky then. Only child, no competition,” Bram mused, looking away. He shrugged. “Anyway, maybe I can give you a couple of book recommends after the break.”

Simon smiled. “I’d really like that,” He murmured.

 

* * *

 

 

Abby and Simon were sitting on the steps of a stairwell, post-rolling chair race. The late afternoon high of recklessness still sat warmly in their chests as they leaned against each other.

“Simon, can I talk to you about something?” Abby asked.

Simon looked at her and nodded. “What about?” He asked.

“Leah,” Abby softly answered after a long pause.

“What about her?” Simon asked.

Abby pulled away and sunk in a little, overwhelmed. “I don’t know where to start,” She admitted.

“I recommend either the beginning or the most recent incident,” Simon answered.

Abby sighed through her nose. “Well, most recently?”

She was quiet for a while. “I went to her house yesterday,” She admitted.

Simon’s eyebrows went up. “I haven’t been into her house since seventh grade,” He murmured.

“Is it really that big a deal?” Abby whispered.

“With Leah? Yeah, it’s a huge deal. Almost as big as her showing you her art,” Simon told her.

Abby’s expression closed off. She looked back at the white wall straight ahead. “Sometimes I think…” She trailed off. Her eyes drifted to her hands. “When I talk to her it’s like the entire world is gone. I don’t care about anything else. I’m just with her. Do you ever get like that with anyone?”

Her dark brown eyes met Simon’s and Simon shrugged.

“It’s just that I don’t think I’ve ever had another friend who made me feel like that, like we had our own little piece of the universe to ourselves,” Abby whispered. “I mean, sometimes she gets real short with me and I don’t know what I did wrong, but then other times it’s like that. We’re two people tucked away in a hidden part of the universe.”

Simon nodded. He understood in a sense, how Leah could be short with her sometimes. Short with anyone really. He didn’t know if he’d ever experienced _that_ with Leah though, the sense that the world disappeared, not in the intensity Abby described. He had so many times where Leah made him feel special, like only he mattered, but there was always a sense the world around them. They were two people watching the world go by together, but there was always the outside world waiting for them to come back and they were always aware of it.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like that with Leah,” Simon admitted. Something about that admission felt weird. He’d always thought he was the person in the group most connected to Leah, but maybe it was Abby. That feeling made him feel lost, forgotten. He felt happy for Leah and Abby, that they had such an amazing friendship, but it hurt to feel like his best friend found someone else. “I think what you and Leah have is special. I don’t think anyone’s ever had that with her before.”

Abby smiled, but something in her expression cracked and her eyes drifted away.

“Simon, why do I feel like this about Leah?” She asked, eyes open and vulnerable.

It made Simon uncertain. “Is it a bad thing?” He asked her softly.

Abby shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never felt like this with another person, not even another guy,” She whispered.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know if he could speak. His throat felt tight and his head felt fuzzy.

“When she looks at me and smiles I think about how easy it would be to just do this forever. To always talk and joke and spend time together, forever. I don’t want to ever stop, but then something like yesterday happens again and I feel like I’m about to mess it all up somehow and complicate things, and I’m so afraid to lose that forever,” Abby admitted, eyes full of tears that hadn’t yet fallen.

“I don’t think I understand,” Simon told her. “How could you mess this up?”

Abby didn’t answer right away. Instead she leaned back into Simon’s shoulder. “I think one day I’m going to kiss her and mess everything up,” She whispered.

Silence fell then. Neither of them knew what to say.

“Don’t worry about messing things up,” Simon whispered finally. “What you have with Leah is stronger than that. It’s forever.”

Abby’s brown eyes looked up at Simon, uncertain. She scraped her teeth over her bottom lip and nodded thoughtfully, with determination.

“It’s forever,” She agreed.

Sighing, she stood up. “We better get out of here before they lock us in the school for the whole break,” She joked, giving him a light-hearted smile.

She started to move down the steps but Simon didn’t move. Couldn’t move. Somewhere in his chest, caught up somewhere between his lungs and his throat, was something waiting to be said.

“Abby, I’m—”

She turned around and Simon stopped talking.

This was it. This was his one moment to come out to her.

“What is it Si?” She asked.

His throat tightened and the words didn’t come out. “I’m really happy you told me,” He said instead.

Abby smiled faintly. “Yeah, I think it felt good to finally say it,” She whispered. She looked away, staring into distant space thoughtfully. “I don’t know, maybe I’m a little-bi. Semi-bi.”

Simon looked away. “How does semi-bi even work?” He asked, genuinely curious.

Abby sighed. “I don’t know. I think I always liked guys, but now I like Leah more than guys, but I don’t think I’ve ever liked another girl before Leah. So I guess I’m bi, but only for her?” She looked at him with uncertainty in her eyes. “I don’t know if I really want to give it a word though. I think I’m figuring it out still, but I needed to say it to someone.”

Simon nodded, smiling faintly. “I’m happy for you.”

Abby smiled, shifting from foot to foot on the stairs. “We should really leave.”

“Right,” Simon mumbled, standing slowly.

They walked down the stairs to the ground level. “Don’t tell anyone though, okay Simon?” Abby asked.

“Never,” Simon promised, looking at her seriously.

  

* * *

 

 

When Simon got home from the Saturday morning play practice, he found an email from Blue on his computer. Blue was going to be a big brother soon. It was funny because the day before Bram was telling Simon about how he was an only child. Big things were happening in Bram’s life, and for the first time ever it felt strange for Simon to be so far away from everything. The emotional distance between him and Blue was tiny, barely a crack in the pavement, but not knowing each other in real life made it feel like they were an ocean apart. They were so close to knowing each other, and still so far away.

Simon laid back on the bed, connecting the conversations he’d had with Blue to every moment he’d had with Bram. In a strange sense it felt like the anonymity of the keyboard had translated into real life. There was something anonymous about Simon that Bram didn’t know about yet, because Simon hadn’t told him they were soulmates and pen pals.

It felt sometimes like they were sitting alone in a dark room with the distant sound of a crowd outside barely touching their ears. They were sitting alone in the dark, just talking and finding ways to know each other without knowing each other. That feeling of anonymity wasn’t just there online or in that fantasy they’d once talked about, where they’d find a dark room to meet and hang out without giving away the safety of anonymity, where they could talk or, if they still feared recognizing each other’s voices, they’d do other things.

Talking to Bram sometimes felt like being in a dark room with the sounds of the world a faint whisper. It was somewhere warm and safe and quiet, even when where they were in the middle of an English class with all their friends crowded around each other on the couch. When only Garrett literally crashing on their laps could break their moment, Simon felt anonymous.

 

* * *

 

 

It was two days after Christmas. They were all eating Christmas leftovers at the dining room table. The table was set as if it was still Christmas. Simon dragged out the record player he’d gotten last Christmas downstairs and put on an Elliott Smith album to play softly in the background while they ate.

“I met Theo,” Alice mentioned during one quiet moment of the dinner.

Theo Cavanaugh, Alice’s soulmate. Immediately their parents and Nora started asking questions, and Alice answered each one as quickly as she could, smiling from ear to ear the entire time. Simon watched Alice’s eyes light up as she described the moment they met at the school’s student coffee shop. There was something so carefree about her that Simon didn’t know if he’d ever seen before. Of course, his family was very open and loving, but Alice looked like someone whose entire world had changed into something magical. Watching her describe stories and moments with Theo felt like he was watching magic happen in real life.

For the first time everyone ignored the dinner Nora had made. Who could eat when magic was happening?

His parents started talking about their experience going to college after they met. Simon, Alice, and Nora could recite the story of how they got their soul marks and met forwards, backwards, and in any which way. Hearing the story of how they left for separate colleges but always came back to something special.

“We always come back to each other, and every time it felt like nothing ever changed,” Emily Spier told them, smiling brilliantly.

“Now it’s just Simon and Nora who are waiting to meet their soulmates,” Jack Spier added, looking to his youngest two children.

“Oh, Dad,” Alice muttered, looking at Simon worriedly. “Maybe let’s not bring that up.”

“No, it’s okay,” Simon told them.

All eyes turned to him. They hadn’t really talked about soulmates much in the last month and a half because nobody wanted to upset Simon, who had such a painful experience getting his mark.

“No, really. It’s okay. I don’t mind talking about soulmates anymore,” Simon whispered, staring at his plate.

There were words on his tongue that he wanted to say, but they were woven into a string knotted too tightly to unwind and say in the right order.

“You never told me about what happened,” Alice murmured.

Simon looked across the table at his older sister. “I’ve been processing a lot of that still,” He admitted.

The words, he just needed to find the right sentence to say first. He could figure it out from there.

“You want to tell us about her?” Emily asked.

Simon looked down at his plate. “Yeah, I think I’m ready to tell you about him,” He murmured.

Everyone at the table was silent. Elliott Smith continued to play in the background.

“Honey,” Emily whispered. She reached over the table and took Simon’s hand in hers.

Simon made himself look up at her, meet her soft brown eyes. “I never wanted to have a soulmate mark because I was afraid people would find out I’m gay,” He whispered. “I’m not afraid of that anymore.”

His mom stood up and rushed around the table to hug him. “Simon, I’m so proud of you for telling us,” She whispered into his ear.

“I can’t tell you who he is yet, but when I’m ready I will,” Simon told her softly.

“Okay,” She whispered, wiping away a tear from her eye.

“I guess it makes sense now why you’ve been so cagey about the topic,” Jack muttered.

“Dad,” Alice scolded.

Jack put his hands up in defense. “I didn’t mean anything by it,” He promised.

Alice looked over at Simon, not sure what to say.

“It’s okay,” Simon told them, even though he wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about the comment.

Could anyone blame him for being cagey about something that could potentially out him to the entire world?

“He’s going to be the most lucky boy in the world,” Emily told Simon, smiling gently at him as she combed her fingers through his hair.

Simon smiled up at her.

“I’m happy for you Bub,” Alice told him.

“Thanks,” Simon whispered.

Nora elbowed him softly, smiling. Her quiet way of showing her love and support.

In the background, the Elliott Smith record reached its end and soft static crackled through the small speaker.

 

* * *

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Dec 27 at 9:41 PM

SUBJECT: I FINALLY DID IT

 

Blue,

I came out. I told my family I’m gay.

I did it over dinner. My sister’s still home from college, and tonight she told us about meeting her soulmate. She met him in October but she didn’t tell us until tonight. She didn’t tell anyone at first because she wanted to figure it out with him, but I could tell how relieved she was to finally tell us. To not have to hold it all in.

It made me remember how relieved I felt when we first started emailing, that there was someone out there who knew I was gay. And how amazing I felt when I told my friend, how relieved I felt. I want that feeling again. So I told them.

My dad made a comment about when me and my younger sister would meet our soulmates, and my older sister told him to not talk about it in front of me. Because I’m me. Because I’ve been so anti-soulmates the last few years. But I decided I wanted to tell them, so I told them it was okay to talk about it. And we did.

My mom hugged me. My dad made a weird comment that my sister scolded him for. That’s pretty typical for all of them. My younger sister was pretty quiet about it, which is normal, but I know she loves me.

I came out. It wasn’t a nightmare. Blue, I’m still in shock about how well it went. It’s like I could play that conversation again and again in my head and I still don’t believe that it actually happened. It feels like I dreamt up the best way to come out, and I’m going to wake up tomorrow and find out it was just a dream.

Was this how it felt with your mom? To feel like all the things you pictured happening in your head was nothing like what actually happened?

I’m amazed Blue. I feel like I could come out to the world. I’m sure as hell not doing that, but I feel like I could. It’s like the more I come out, the easier it gets, and that only makes me more hopeful that it’s only going to get better from here.

What a night.

Love,

Jacques

 

 

 

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TIME: Dec 28 at 9:20 AM

SUBJECT: I FINALLY DID IT

 

Jacques,

Once again I am unbelievably proud of you. I’m so happy for you too. Coming out to families is the hardest, but you did it. How should we celebrate? With a feast of Oreos and Recess’s?

I think I know how you feel. Now that I’ve told my mom and you, I feel like I can tell other people. It’s always been this fear that once I tell someone I’ll never be able to take it back, like the entire world will know all at once if I just tell one person. Talking to you proved that saying it somewhere, even the internet, doesn’t mean I’ll be exposed for the world to see. I’m being seen for who I am.

After I told my mom I was so surprised by how okay she was with it. There’s always this fear with parents shunning you for being gay, but it feels worse when you know your parents are religious. Church on every Sunday religious. Having my mom be completely accepting of it was amazing.

We’re making big steps in being who we are freely. I can’t believe it sometimes, how close we are to being where we want to be.

Again Jacques, I’m really proud of you, and very happy about how well it went. Here’s to being us.

Love,

Blue

 

 

* * *

 

 

Simon walked into the kitchen early in the morning. It was New Years Eve, but for some reason he couldn’t sleep. Even Nora was asleep, and Nora was usually up before anyone. The lack of sleep much have been contagious however, because Emily Spier was sitting at the kitchen counter, reading on her tablet, her reading glasses perched on her nose.

She looked up as Simon walked in and poured himself a cup of coffee. They were only somewhat past the new life change of Simon drinking coffee in the mornings, which his mom still made a big deal about sometimes.

“Hey Honey, can’t sleep?” She asked.

Simon shook his head. He took his cup of coffee and sat down next to her.

“Simon, we haven’t gotten much of a chance to talk since the other night,” Emily mentioned.

Simon winced. “Yeah,” He mumbled.

“I just, I’ve been so worried about you the last few years. It always felt like there’s been something holding you back, and it felt like there was nothing I could do to reach you. And now I understand why that is, and Simon, I want so badly for you to know how absolutely loved you are,” Emily told him, smiling.

Simon smiled back. “I know. It’s just that…” He trailed off. “Every small moment in this house is made into something monumental and I always felt like if I told you guys it would change everything. That you’d stop seeing me for me.”

Emily nodded, eyes soft.

“I’m not a different person. I’m still me, and that’s all I want people to see,” Simon added. He stared down at the counter and his coffee cup, warm in his hands.

Emily touched her hand to his shoulder and Simon looked up, something scared and lonely in his eyes.

“You’ll always be Simon,” She promised. “But I need you to hear this. You are still you Simon. You are still the same son who I love to tease, and who your father depends on for just about everything.”

Simon smiled a little.

“You get to exhale Simon. You get to be more you than you’ve been in…” She trailed off, a small sad sigh escaping, “in a very long time. You deserve everything you want.”

Simon smiled again, close to tears with relief.

Standing, Emily pressed a kiss to Simon’s head, hugging him gently. “I love you,” She whispered.

“I love you too,” Simon told her, voice cracking a little.

 

* * *

 

 

They were in the car the morning after New Years Eve, after all the fun he’d had with Nick and Leah the night before in the basement, counting down the minutes until the new year. His mom was driving and Simon was sitting in the front seat, two small Target bags at his feet. They were nearly home when Simon found the courage to ask something he’d wondered for a long time.

“Mom, what does it feel like when you talk to Dad?” He asked softly.

She took a small second to look at him. “What do you mean?” She asked, confused.

“Because you’re soulmates. Does it feel different when you talk to him?” Simon asked.

She smiled. “I think when you’re in love, even with someone who’s not your soulmate, it feels different talking to them than it does to other people. With your father though, it feels…” She trailed off thoughtfully. “Before I met him, it always felt as if there was this part of me that didn’t make sense. I felt lonely, but it wasn’t because I was alone. I had so many people in my life who I loved and who loved me back, but it always felt as if there was something out there that I couldn’t ever have with them.”

She laughed. “Then I meet your father, who is nothing like me, but makes me feel like I’m somewhere new and exciting. Talking to him felt like talking to my own heart, sharing things I couldn’t share with others, and knowing what I said was treasured. I could have a terrible day, but when I saw him it felt like I was home. The feeling of finally coming home after a long day and being able to be yourself in the way that’s most comfortable for you, that’s how it feels with your father. There’s no doubt there, only a sense that I’m right where I should be.”

Simon smiled, thinking of all the emails with Blue. It always felt like he was finding the most secure place to be when he talked to Blue. They were two people lost in the closet, but with Blue, Simon felt he had somewhere important to be. Somewhere safe.

“When you meet him, you’ll know there’s something there. It’s not just hearing their name for the first time. It’s talking to them and knowing there’s something there that feels like home,” Emily explained.

They pulled into the driveway, but neither moved for a long moment. “Thank you,” Simon whispered.

Emily touched her hand to his shoulder. “I’m always here for you,” She promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Er... guess who possibly broke a small bone in their right hand and isn't allowed to use it (even to type?) Guess. It's me. Fortunately everything up to chapter eight is done, chapter nine is one third done. I'll keep to my update schedule as much as possible. Hopefully my hand feels better soon. I never realized how badly I needed it until today. You never truly appreciate something until it's somehow compromised.
> 
> Anyway, I hope everyone loved this chapter. I didn't realize how much this chapter meant to me until this week. I always want Simon to come out as safely as possible, with as much love as possible. Comments and kudos and love is always welcome and wanted, and I love all of you for the support you've given this story. Thank you :)


	6. Waiting Feels Like Forever, and Sometimes I Want to Just Say It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first two weeks back at school after Winter Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to remind everyone that by now (and for a long while now) Bram has suspected Simon is Jacques, and is almost 100% certain that he's right. There's a line where this is a little relevant.
> 
> Also, good news everyone! I saw the doctor yesterday and I did not break any bones in my hand! I probably bruised one or two, which apparently hurts just as bad according to the doctor, but nothing is structurally wrong with my hand so I can resume normal activities. (I'm so relieved) It still hurts and I need to take it easy a little, but I don't need to worry.
> 
> Also, I think this chapter is shorter than most of the others, but chapter seven is going to be good.

The last few days of the break dragged out. It felt like Simon couldn’t see Bram soon enough. At the same time, it felt like time was moving too quickly. There was only two weeks left before Bram’s birthday, and then he would know. Not knowing what would happen next scared Simon.

Bram’s birthday was on a Sunday. Simon was going to walk into school one very important Monday and Bram would know.

To avoid thinking about it he emailed Blue, which was about the opposite of avoiding it, but somehow it eased the anxious knot in his chest.

 

* * *

 

 

It was the last day before they were supposed to go back to school, and Leah and Simon were spending it on Simon’s bed, watching the Adventure Time episodes on Simon’s laptop. A plate of Oreos sat on the corner of Simon’s bed, abandoned, and they were laughing. It was easy, light.

“Marceline and Bubblegum are so gay for each other,” Leah mumbled as Marceline sung _“I’m Just Your Problem.”_

Simon laughed. “Have you seen the episode where they gender swap and it’s Marshall Lee and Prince Gumball?” He asked her.

Leah scoffed. “Of course I have, and obviously they’re gay for each other too,” She mumbled.

Simon gave her a wide smile and looked back at the screen. “You’re such a Marceline,” Simon pointed out.

A hesitant smile drifted onto Leah’s face.

“I mean it, you are,” Simon pressed.

She was outright grinning now. She looked back at the screen, sighing softly. “Marceline, waiting for Princess Bubblegum to wake up and realize they’re meant to be,” She whispered.

Simon paused the episode, and Leah said nothing. She stared at the colorful screen.

“You want to talk about it?” Simon asked, rolling onto his back.

She didn’t answer, but she closed Simon’s laptop. She took an Oreo from the plate and rolled onto her back, looking up at the blank ceiling.

“Are you ready to see him tomorrow?” She asked instead.

Simon looked at her and knew what she meant. “I don’t know,” He admitted softly. “I guess I’ve been pretty anxious to see him again, but I’m also sort of not ready for it.”

Leah sighed back. “I can’t tell if I’m dreading it or not,” She confessed.

“Why?” Simon asked.

“It hurts too much sometimes. I’m with her and it hurts knowing she doesn’t know yet, knowing how long I have to wait before her birthday,” She explained.

Simon caught the way she was twisting her wristband around her wrist. He thought back to what Abby said to him two weeks ago, about the way she felt when she was around Leah, and that she wanted to kiss Leah.

He wondered if that was a coincidence or fate. He guessed it depended on how nice the universe felt like being, and that brought him back to Bram, to Blue, and to the strange idea of coincidence over fate.

“I guess I thought, when I got it, that I could just show her and everything would be fine, but it didn’t work out like that,” Leah mumbled.

Simon turned to look at her. “How did it work out?” He asked.

“I sort of panicked. I didn’t want anyone to know until I got the chance to tell her and know how she felt, but she sort of iced me out for a few weeks after my birthday, so I never got to talk to her about it. Which is fine, I guess. I sort of did the same thing.” Leah huffed, short and fast, frustrated with the situation.

She didn’t say anything for a while, so Simon spoke. “Are you going to tell her? Or are you going to wait until her birthday?” He asked.

“I honestly don’t know,” She admitted. She frowned. “Waiting feels like forever, and sometimes I want to just say it, but I never do.”

Simon nodded.

“Are you waiting till his birthday?” Leah asked.

Simon nodded again. “It feels like I’m counting down the days until he gets his mark, but also dreading it because I don’t know how he’ll feel when he finds out,” Simon admitted.

“Same,” She whispered. “I want her to know, but I’m also afraid for her to know.”

Simon sighed. “It sucks being the first ones to get marks,” He mumbled.

“God, right?” She agreed, turning to look at him. A smile appeared, something wry and amused.

 

* * *

 

 

The first day back to school was quiet. Most people were still a little sleep deprived from off-kilter sleep schedules thanks to the holidays. Even Mr. Wise seemed exhausted, so most of English class was spent doing silent reading of some poems from their English textbook. Simon couldn’t concentrate. Bram was sitting in the next row to his left, one seat behind him. Simon kept catching himself glancing back at Bram, hoping he wouldn’t notice. It felt weird that this was the first time he’d seen Bram in two weeks but they’d talked constantly over email in all that time. It felt weird that Simon knew exactly how his vacation went without being able to admit to it.

The class ended sooner than Simon expected to. As he lagged behind, scrambling to pack everything away in time, a folded piece of paper landed on his desk. Simon grabbed it quickly, confused. He looked up just as Bram was disappearing out the door. The confusion spiked but he didn’t open the note right away. Instead he slid it into his notebook and left the classroom.

He disappeared to the library for a moment. It was only a few rooms away from his history class, and being late didn’t bother him. Leaving the note unread did.

 

_First addition to your reading list- The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Don’t let the Victorian language keep you from reading it. It’s a really great series of stories, and you’re missing out if you don’t read them. Besides, sometimes we need a little mystery. -Bram_

 

Simon smiled at the note and tucked it into a pocket of his backpack this time, keeping it safe. He looked around. Somehow he’d forgotten for a moment he was in a library. Conveniently, this was the perfect opportunity to see if he could check out the book. He walked up to the librarian who was sitting behind her desk, looking bored.

“Shouldn’t you be in class?” She asked him, eyebrow raised. She looked amused.

“A friend recommended I read The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes,” Simon explained. “Does the library have it?”

She smiled. “Over in the fiction section under the C’s for Conan-Doyle, should me the middle shelf if I’m remembering right,” She told him. “I guess checking a book out is worth risking a few minutes of class.”

Simon smiled at her and walked over to the fiction section. It took him a moment to find it, but he found an entire collection of Conan-Doyle’s stories compiled into one book. He wasn’t sure if he should be surprised there was so much to read or not. He took the heavy book back to the desk.

“Alright, this will be due Monday on the nineteenth. If you bring it in that day or earlier, you can extend your return date. That shouldn’t be a problem, the book isn’t checked out very much,” She informed him. She wrote the book’s return date down on a yellow 3x5 card and stuck it into the front cover. “I’ll write you a pass for your class. Who’s your teacher?”

“Ms. Dilliger for history,” Simon answered. She handed him the paper. “Thank you.”

She smiled. “Enjoy your book,” She told him.

 

* * *

 

 

Simon hated to admit that carrying the book around was a bit of a strain with its weight, but it was worth it. Book recommendations were personal things, even he knew that. This was something special that Bram wanted to share with him.

Play practice ended early because Taylor tripped and sprained her wrist. Ms. Albright walked Taylor, who was in tears from both pain and the panic of not being able to perform, to the nurse’s office and told everyone they could go home an hour early. Abby and Simon decided to walk down to the soccer fields to see how practice was going for their friends. They sat on the stands watching until the coach called a break. Nick, Garrett, and Bram jogged over. Simon listened to Abby, Nick, and Garrett talk about try outs and the apparent unfairness of having to try out again.

“So what happens if you really screw up the audition?” Simon asked. “Can they kick you off the team?”

Something warm entered Bram’s eyes. “Audition?” He asked softly, smiling with amusement.

Simon’s eyes widened and he blushed. “Tryouts,” He corrected, smiling.

“Worse they can do to us is demote us to junior varsity, but that would still suck,” Garrett answered.

Someone on the field called out to Garrett, so he ran off. Nick lingered to talk to Abby, leaving Simon with Bram.

“So apparently the library has an entire collection of Sherlock Holmes in one book,” Simon mentioned as casually as he could.

Bram perked up, surprised. “You already checked it out?” He asked, almost breathless.

Simon nodded. “I had a free moment between classes, so I thought I’d go to the library,” He explained. “I haven’t gotten a chance to read it yet, and with play practice getting crazy it might take me a while, but I’m looking forward to it.”

Bram smiled.

“You want to see it?” Simon offered. “It’s freaking huge.”

Bram nodded and Simon lowered his backpack to the ground. Opening it up, Simon carefully pulled the bulky book out. It felt more like he was holding a cinder block in his hands.

“Wow, I didn’t realize it could be so big,” Bram murmured. “My dad has a collection of the stories in smaller individual books.”

Simon nodded, smiling. “Anyway, thank you for the recommendation.” He carefully put the book back into his backpack.

“No problem,” Bram murmured.

The break ended and Bram and Nick had to run off to the field again. Simon sat on the stands with Abby, watching the team with a content feeling in his chest.

 

* * *

 

 

Simon had trouble getting through the first few stories of Sherlock Holmes. The Victorian English was a bit dry but the mysteries were good. The only problem was that he didn’t have much time to read it. Play practice ran until past five, and then there was the two hours of homework Simon had, eating dinner, and emailing Blue. Simon couldn’t dare risk slacking on that last one. Sleep was inevitably the thing that suffered, so Simon woke up most mornings still exhausted after only a few hours of sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

“Simon, wake up,” Leah hissed.

Simon jolted up, looking around the lunch table with wide eyes. Realizing where he was and who he was with, Simon relaxed and slumped a little. Yawning, he rubbed his eyes.

“Sorry, just tired,” He mumbled, yawning again.

“Tired’s an understatement,” Leah commented dryly.

“Seriously man, you looked like you were about to lay your head down in your mash potatoes,” Nick added.

Simon shrugged. “Just haven’t been getting enough sleep,” He told them. He took a sip of his water, hoping it would wake him up.

“Well make sure you start getting some. Dress rehearsal in front of the school is on Friday,” Abby warned him, glaring when he didn’t immediately nod. “I’m serious Simon, you better be well rested for the performances.”

“I will be, promise,” Simon told her.

“Why haven’t you been getting enough sleep anyway?” Abby asked.

Simon shrugged, shrinking under the eyes of everyone at the table. His eyes drifted to Bram and got caught up in Bram’s brown eyes, staring back at him. “Just homework and staying up late to read,” He mumbled.

“Well put the book aside and get some rest for the next few nights,” Abby told him.

Simon nodded emphatically, knowing anything less would keep her on his case. Simon missed the soft smile on Bram’s face while his attention was drawn to Abby.

 

* * *

 

 

Friday was the dress rehearsal. The first performance would be before seniors and freshman. After lunch the performance would be for sophomores and juniors. Simon was looking forward to the afternoon performance. He wanted for little more than for Bram to see the play. He wanted it in ways he couldn’t describe.

Abby sat him down in front of the mirror in the dressing room. Simon looked up at her as she pulled out a black eyeliner stick. He was still uncertain about stage makeup, but he trusted Abby with this. Even if the feeling of a stick of wax pushing into his eye was one of the more uncomfortable sensations he’d felt in a while.

“Now to smudge it,” Abby murmured, flipping the eyeliner pencil around so the sponge at the end was pointed at Simon’s eye. After applying the eyeliner she added stage makeup powder to Simon’s face, mumbling that it would keep him from looking washed out in the stage lights.

Just as Abby finished Simon’s makeup, Brianna walked into the dressing room. “Whoa,” She murmured, looking from Simon to Abby.

“I know,” Abby agreed. “Simon, don’t take this the wrong way, but you look kind of ridiculously hot.”

Simon turned around and caught sight of himself in the mirror. He stared at his reflection for a moment, barely recognizing himself.

Abby moved so she was standing behind him, looking with him at their reflection. “So what do you think?” She asked with a wide grin.

“I look weird,” Simon mumbled.

“No, Simon, you look hot,” Abby argued.

“Agreed,” Brianna mumbled.

Simon looked down at his hands and the baggy sweater of his costume, cheeks warm.

In the background Cal and Ms. Albright were rounding up the cast.

 

* * *

 

 

After the performance Simon walked into the guys’ changing room to change. As he was changing out of his costume and into his civilian clothes, Simon took another moment to look at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t sure if Abby was right about his supposed hotness, but now he wanted to know if Bram would think he was hot. Besides, a part of him wanted to keep the stage makeup on for lunch anyway, even if Bram didn’t see it. He liked feeling like he was really part of the cast and not just somebody in the background the cast let tag along for the ride.

Leah’s first words when she saw him were: “Holy fuck, Simon.”

“Don’t you love it?” Abby asked, grinning widely.

Leah stared at him as he sat down. “I had no idea your eyes were so gray,” Leah murmured. She turned to Nick. “Did you know?”

Nick gave a sagely smile. “I did not,” He answered.

“Like, they’re kind of charcoal around the edges, and lighter in the middle, and then almost silver around the pupil. But dark silver,” Leah murmured.

“Fifty shades of gray,” Abby joked.

“Gross,” Leah scoffed, wrinkling her nose. She turned to Abby with a smile.

Simon looked over at Bram. He found Bram’s warm brown eyes on him, staring. Simon stared back, cheeks warm under the stage makeup. Bram looked away after a moment, realizing maybe staring wasn’t a good idea. Simon wished he’d look back at him.

“Right? Simon is totally hot with eyeliner. Anyone with eyes can objectively see that,” Abby stated.

Nick smirked as he looked between Abby, Simon, and Leah. “Abby and Leah, are you hitting on Simon? Because I’d like to remind you that Simon is a taken man,” He joked.

Abby and Leah turned to look at him like he was an idiot. “I’m sorry, what?” Leah muttered, raising an eyebrow. “Since when is Simon a ‘taken man.’”

“It’s a joke. Because Simon has a soulmate,” Nick clarified. Leah and Abby glared at him for the comment. “I’m just joking! Seriously guys, lighten up.”

“Right, well, I think Simon gets to decide when he’s a taken man,” Abby pointed out, shaking her head.

Simon looked down and then back at Bram. He sort of considered himself as taken at this point, not that he could very well say that. At that moment Bram looked back at Simon and they stared at each other for a moment.

“Besides, I thought we agreed not to talk about Simon’s soulmate,” Abby pointed out, scolding Nick.

Simon tore his eyes away from Bram to look at Abby. “It’s fine, I don’t mind so much anymore,” He told her.

Abby’s eyebrows went up and Nick stared at him in shock. Simon ignored them and looked back at Bram for a second longer. No, he didn’t mind people talking about his soulmate anymore. In the last two months he’d really come around to the idea, and he’d find out how Bram felt when he woke up and found Simon’s name on his skin two days from now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like everyone to do me a favor and ignore the minor detail that the Monday after Bram's birthday is Martin Luther King Jr day and there would technically be no school that Monday. I kind of forgot that part until after I'd written chapters 7, 8, and part of 9, and I: a. don't want to go back and completely rewrite two chapters I love, and b. need that sort of pacing/timeline for chapter 9 to happen the way I want it. We can all pretend it was the week before, okay :)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented the last few days on chapter five. The chapter is one that meant a lot to me, and I'm so happy everyone loved it and has been loving this story. So thank you for the support, and see you soon with chapter seven on Sunday. It's going to be an amazing chapter.


	7. This Voice Calling Me An Idiot For Thinking I Could Be So Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Bram finally get to talk to each other, really talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry everyone, I know this is a day later than I promised. Yesterday I wasn't really in the right head space to do the last final edit of this chapter, and for a chapter so crucial to the story I really wanted to get it right. But it's up now, the moment we've been waiting seven chapters for is finally here, so please enjoy.

Simon stared blankly at the wall. The crushing fear had set in. Days had turned to hours now, and Simon was ticking them off with every refresh of his email. Every time he stopped to think about it his chest got tight and he had to lay down to calm down. He tried to pass the time in anyway he could. He read Sherlock Holmes. He listened to Elliott Smith. He watched old Adventure Time episodes. He even offered to help Nora bake her carrot cake, but she turned him away, saying he’d probably catch the kitchen on fire again if he tried. Nothing, no distraction, seemed to help.

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Draft saved Jan 18 at 12:03 AM

SUBJECT: [Blank]

 

Blue,

Happy Birthday!

Love,

Simon

 

Simon didn’t sleep much that night. Instead he laid in bed and considered and reconsidered sending that email for real. Every time he felt brave enough to send it, we would get out of bed, walk to his desk, open his computer, and close it again before he could actually send it. Over and over again.

When he woke up at eleven the next morning, the morning of Bram’s birthday, there was nothing new in his inbox. Entirely his fault, Simon told himself, he still hadn’t sent the email.

He still didn’t send it. He went to his desk, opened his email, and stared at the draft before closing his laptop again. He couldn’t send it, he was too afraid.

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Draft saved Jan 18 at 11:51 AM

SUBJECT: [Blank]

 

Blue,

I’m thinking we should celebrate your birthday. What do you say to finding a Recess flavored cake and sharing it? We can go wherever you want. We can even find that dark room we talked about once.

Love,

Simon

P.S. Happy Birthday :)

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Draft saved Jan 18 at 4:15 PM

SUBJECT: [Blank]

 

Blue,

There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time. We’re      l

 

 

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)

TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

TIME: Draft saved Jan 18 at 11:21 PM

SUBJECT: [Blank]

 

Blue,

Will you meet me tomorrow outside the theatre before school? There’s something I want to tell you.

Love,

l

 

Simon closed out of his email account. His repeat attempts to write one email and send it had all failed miserably. Nothing was ever sent, and instead Simon crawled into bed, exhausted. Taking his iPod, he listened to more Elliott Smith in the hopes it would lure him to sleep.

He lost himself in the slow, softly sung lyrics.

Waltz 2 would play on the radio of his car, parked in the middle of nowhere, somewhere far away from the rest of the world. It would be a cold night, like tonight. They’d be bundled up in hoodies, holding tight to the heat vents in his car. They’d sit in the front seats, looking up at the stars and listening to music, talking the way they did in their emails. Open and vulnerable, honest. They could be anonymous in the grand scheme of the world, but they would have each other now. They would know each other, sit together in that anonymity.

They’d look at each other and they would know they were two souls meant to be together. Together because they found each other and chose each other before the universe could make its pick. The two boys who proved to the universe that a name on your skin wasn’t why you belonged together, it was the connection between you two.

Elliott Smith’s Waltz 2 came to an end and Say Yes took its place, taking the lead in luring Simon into walking into the realm of dreams and sleeping. It worked.

It did. Slowly. But it did.

 

* * *

 

The light of the morning pulled through the curtains of his windows, touching the walls of Simon’s room. Blearily, Simon opened his eyes. The peaceful warmth of his bed and Elliott Smith on repeat was almost enough to convince him to go back to sleep until he saw the blue-green post-it note on the wall above his phone. Reaching over, Simon pealed it away from the wall.

_Don’t forget Bram’s gift today!_

Simon’s eyes drifted over to the deep blue gift bag sitting underneath his desk. Simon smiled tiredly and climbed out of bed. Today.

He got dressed quickly and gently placed Bram’s gift in his backpack.

“Nora, come on, let’s go to school,” Simon called out as he climbed down the stairs.

Bram always got to school early.

“I’m not ready yet!” Nora shouted back, her voice high pitched with stress. “I can’t find my history textbook!”

“Nora who takes their history textbook home?” Simon complained, half-joking.

“Nora, honey, it’s on the dining room table,” Emily shouted from the kitchen.

Nora rushed down the stairs, pushing past Simon. She disappeared around the corner, ducking through the kitchen to reach the dining room faster. She ran back to Simon, glaring.

“Ready?” Simon asked, waving his hands out.

Her glare harshened. “Why are you in such a rush?” She grumbled, walking outside. “Let a girl brush her hair for fuck’s sake.”

“Nora!” Jack scolded her for the language.

“Since when do you cuss?” Simon whispered, astonished.

He closed the front door behind him and walked to his car. The drive to school was quiet, but Simon’s thumbs were tapping the steering wheel impatiently. When he parked in the student parking lot Nora jumped out and walked away without a word. Simon didn’t move for a moment.

This was it.

It was today.

He leaned back against the driver’s seat, taking a deep breath. It was today.

“I can do this,” He whispered, promising himself.

Heart racing with excitement, Simon got out of the car. Locking it, he walked quickly towards the school. He didn’t know where or even when he’d find Bram in the school, but they would find each other.

He already had all his things for his first two classes, so Simon didn’t go to his locker. He went to Bram’s locker. He stood by it, uncertain, and waited. The crowd of passing students gradually grew thicker and more rushed, but hopefully he’d see Bram soon.

Simon’s eyes were glancing through the crowd again when he spotted familiar dark brown curls. Bram was weaving through the crowd towards his locker, head down and staring at his phone. Simon felt his heart race. His throat tightened with anxiety and he tried to think about what he wanted to say first. He’d had this all planned in his head, but seeing Bram made everything fade from his brain.

Bram looked up then and saw Simon in front of his locker.

They stood ten feet away from each other, swallowed by the crowd. Bram stared at Simon, eyes wide and lips pressed tightly together. Simon stared back, trying to find a way to smile but too stunned by the moment happening right now.

Bram turned around and walked away.

He pushed through the crowd quickly and turned the corner, disappearing. Simon watched, heart twisting.

Bram knew and didn’t want anything to do with Simon.

Simon stared at the ground, biting his tongue. It wasn’t that, he told himself. Bram just got his mark, he was walking into something Simon had two months to mentally accept and plan for. Bram wasn’t any more ready for this than Simon was two months ago. Turning around, Simon walked towards his English class.

“Simon!”

He turned around, look back at the boy who shouted his name. Bram stood on the other side of the crowd again, so far away but still there. Simon’s throat felt dry and he couldn’t make himself shout back. He moved forward, weaving through the crowd to reach Bram, who stood there eyes wide but waiting, not running this time.

Simon stood in front of Bram. Their eyes met, both boys still.

The hall was nearly empty as the bell rang, but Simon and Bram were still standing there.

“I thought for a moment you were never going to talk to me,” Simon murmured.

Bram shook his head. “I panicked, I didn’t know if I was ready,” Bram admitted.

“Are you ready?” Simon asked, uncertain.

Bram looked away for a moment. “I think I am,” He answered. He looked back at Simon. “Let’s get away from here.”

“Where to?” Simon asked.

He hesitated. “I have no idea,” He admitted.

Simon thought about it for a moment. He wanted to go somewhere quiet, somewhere where they could be together in peace.

“Would you be willing to leave school for a while?” He asked slowly.

Bram took a moment to think about it. “Okay,” He agreed, only a small bit of uncertainty in his voice.

Simon had no doubts that, like him, Bram had never just left school in the middle of the day before. They could do this though. Students were still intermittently walking in late. They could slip away.

“Okay, I know where I want to go,” Simon decided.

They quickly and quietly left the school. They took Simon’s car.

Simon’s fingers fumbled and shook as he turned his car on. He let out a shaky breath. “It’s funny, I didn’t think about ditching school when I pictured how this day was going to go,” Simon mumbled. The car rumbled quietly as it turned on, the engine still warm from the trip to school.

“I did,” Bram admitted.

Simon looked up at Bram, surprised. “You thought about ditching?” He whispered.

Bram ducked his head down. “I didn’t know if I could face you today,” He admitted, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

“And now?” Simon asked.

He laughed lowly. “And now? I don’t want to be anywhere else,” He answered, voice shaking slightly. His eyebrows pulled together. “Is that weird to say?”

Simon shook his head, grinning. “No, it makes perfect sense to me,” He told Bram.

Reversing out of the parking spot, Simon drove the car out of the parking lot and onto the road. They drove in no particular direction, but Simon knew eventually they’d have to find some place to stop. Until then, he could just drive.

They were quiet for the drive as Simon searched for the right place.

There wasn’t exactly a place, nothing looked like what Simon pictured in his head, but he found a small park. It was empty, and the morning was too early and too cold for anyone to be out now. Simon parked the car and turned it off, hands struggling to find a place to sit until they settled on the steering wheel again. Bram was quiet, looking out at the wide field.

“This isn’t what I had in mind when you said you knew where you wanted to go,” Bram mumbled. He let out a soft breath. “Actually, I have no idea what I thought.”

“I don’t know either,” Simon whispered, looking back at Bram with a smile. “It wasn’t really a place I wanted to go, it was more like a feeling.”

“A feeling?” Bram questioned.

Simon closed his eyes, thumbs brushing over the steering wheel. “There’s this feeling I get when I talk to you,” He whispered. He opened his eyes and looked at Bram.

Bram, who was leaning back against the seat with perfect posture, so that both shoulders were perfectly lined up together, but his head was turned towards Simon, chin almost touching his shoulder. He looked almost calm and collected, but his hands were held neatly in his lap, fingers curled together and fidgeting nervously.

“When I talk to you it’s like we’re somewhere quiet, and it’s peaceful. Somewhere where we’re alone and we can be ourselves. I wanted a place that made me feel like that,” Simon answered.

Bram looked out at the park. “Is this that place?”

Simon laughed. “Honestly, no. I don’t think I’ve ever been to this park before,” He confessed.

Bram laughed softly and looked back at Simon, and Simon recognized the uncertainty still there. Looking down, Simon chewed on his lip for a moment, wondering what he should say next. What he should do next.

“I have a birthday gift for you,” He mentioned softly, sneaking a glance at Bram out of the corner of his eye.

“What?” Bram whispered.

 Simon reached into the backseat. Carefully, he unzipped the main pocket of his backpack and gently took the blue giftbag out. Taking a deep, steadying breath, he handed it to Bram.

Bram didn’t move for the longest time, eyes on the deep blue gift bag. Looking up at Simon, he took the bag from his hands and reached inside.

“‘The Collected Oscar Wilde.’” Bram read aloud. He laughed softly for a moment before his eyes met Simon’s, searching for confirmation of what he’d suspected for a long time now.

Over their emails, Blue once joked that he should have asked his dad to return the book about Casanova for something from Oscar Wilde.

“There’s a note on the inside cover,” Simon mumbled.

Bram pulled the small one sided card out of the front cover. It had a black sharpie drawing of three playing cards laid on top of each other.

The card on the bottom, poking up above the stack, read: “Future historians will agree that ______ marked the beginning of America’s decline.”

The middle card read: “The Homosexual Agenda”

The top card read: “The Homo Sapiens Agenda”

After a moment of staring at the cards, Bram laughed. It was soft and low and shy.

“I can’t believe you remembered my terrible card,” He mumbled, covering his eyes with his hand, but a smile still there. “I barely remember my terrible card, and I remember all the dumb things I did.”

Simon laughed, smiling at Bram. “It was a terrible card,” He agreed lowly. “I think this would be the perfect redemption card though.”

They sat in silence for a moment, staring at the sharpie drawing. Bram’s fingers brushed against _The Homo Sapiens Agenda_ with care, as if the ink would smudge under his skin. Then he looked at the cover of the book, the book filled with Oscar Wilde’s stories.

“It’s you, isn’t it?” Simon whispered. He knew, but he needed to hear Bram say it.

“It’s me,” Bram whispered back, looking up at Simon with softness in his eyes.

They smiled.

“I can’t believe this is real,” Bram confessed. “I know I asked you a while back, as Blue, if we could be soulmates, but in my head there was always this voice calling me an idiot for thinking I could be that lucky.”

Simon nodded, a faint smile on his lips. “On my birthday, when I got my mark, I started to wonder. Bram, and Blue, could they be the same person? I was afraid to think that, because what if Blue wasn’t you. Then I would have hurt the feelings of someone I cared about.”

Bram looked carefully at Simon. “When did you figure out it was me? That I was Blue?”

Simon thought back to the moment, sighing softly through his nose. That moment of revelation was something special in his heart, the moment he realized he didn’t have to be afraid about hurting anyone because of who he loved. “It was when you asked me if you were crazy to wonder if we could be soulmates. I wasn’t sure and I didn’t know how to answer, but as I was typing in your email I noticed the numbers at the end of your email.”

“My birthday,” Bram mumbled.

“And then Green felt a little obvious, Greenfeld. Blue took me an extra minute but when I figured it out I was certain,” Simon explained. “Even then, there was this other thing.”

“Other thing?” Bram asked.

“Talking to you in person started to feel like how talking to you over email felt. It felt secure and secret, like our emails,” Simon explained, voice soft as he stared out the windshield.

“You write your emails the same way you talk,” Bram mumbled.

Simon looked over at Bram, eyebrows furrowed.

“The way you emailed me always felt as if you were talking to me for real. I sometimes pictured it as if you practiced out loud what you wanted to say to me and then typed it out. You use a lot of the same words and phrases in your emails that you do in real life, so I started to wonder if it was you on the other side of the emails,” Bram whispered. “Not like me. I edit my emails so heavily I feel like I sometimes lose how I really wanted to say something.”

They shared a look, and Simon smiled and laughed.

His laughter caused Bram to frown with confusion and Simon laughed harder. “No, I’m sorry. It’s funny because,” He paused to try and stop laughing. “Because before I got to know you I used to think that even though you were shy and quiet, you were probably really funny in your own head. I don’t know, I always had this feeling that there was a lot going on in your head while everyone else was talking.”

“I guess there is a lot going on in my head, and sometimes it does feel easier to listen than to talk,” Bram agreed after a moment of thought. “But that’s not why I’m so quiet around you.”

Simon’s eyebrows raised up, a thought on his mind he wasn’t sure he wanted to say out loud. “I’m one of the cute guys who gets you tongue-tied?”

“You’re _the_ cute guy,” Bram told him softly, looking up at Simon warmly. A light smile appeared on his face. “I really want to kiss you,” He whispered.

Simon smiled back. “Then kiss me,” He whispered back.

Bram leaned forward, slowly crossing the distance between them. Simon leaned in so quickly he almost hit Bram’s forehead, meeting him halfway. Their lips met softly, uncertain and slow. The mutual hesitance faded and they kissed more deeply. Simon raised his hand to touch his fingers to Bram’s cheek and found his hand colliding with Bram’s hand instead, his fingers getting caught and tangled there.

They pulled away from the kiss, but their fingers remained caught together.

“I can’t believe this is real,” Simon confessed.

Bram tilted his head. “How so?” He asked.

“Two months ago I was terrified of this, now I feel like I’ve waited too long for this,” Simon whispered.

Bram looked down, eyes half closed. “That’s how I knew it was you. Your birthday, that’s when I knew it was you,” He whispered.

Simon stared at him. “You knew I was Jacques even back then?” He asked.

Bram nodded. “It was the timing. You, as Jacques, told me how much you were dreading your birthday. And then at lunch a few days later you told everyone you didn’t want to do anything for your birthday or make a big deal about having a soulmate. The timing was so close it felt like it couldn’t be a coincidence,” He explained. Leaning back on the seat, Bram looked at his fingers and the way they were intertwined with Simon’s. “I kept wondering how many juniors here had a birthday in November and hated the idea of soulmates, because the numbers seem too small for it not to be you.”

Simon nodded slowly, smiling weakly. “I have a question,” He whispered.

“What is it?” Bram asked.

“What did it feel like when you got your name?” Simon asked hesitantly.

Bram tilted his head, thinking about it. “It was warm. My leg just started feeling really warm. For a while it was like my leg was radiating warmth, and every now and again it would feel kind of hot, but never painfully hot.” He looked at Simon, smiling lightly but there was concern in his eyes. Bram remembered Simon describing the pain of getting his mark that one day at lunch.

“Where is your mark?” Simon asked, excitement in his eyes.

Bram smiled for a moment, laughing, before he grew serious. “I can’t show you,” He warned.

Simon raised an eyebrow.

“Not here, not now,” He mumbled. He looked down at his legs, his free hand resting over his left thigh.

“Oh,” Simon murmured, understanding. He nodded and looked down at their shared hands. “Would you like to see mine though?”

Bram looked up, surprised. “Yes,” He whispered.

Simon pulled away, twisting so he was facing Bram a bit more. He leaned on the car door for a moment, taking in a rushed, nervous breath. Gently, he lifted his shirt.

_Abraham Louis Greenfeld_

The clean print was written on the inside of Simon’s right hip along the bone, curved and delicate in the soft morning light. Bram looked at it with amazement.

“It still doesn’t feel real sometimes,” Bram murmured.

Simon pulled his shirt back down and nodded. “It’s great though, right?”

“It’s wonderful,” Bram whispered.

Simon nodded. His eyes drifted over to Bram, soft. Together, their hands met in the same place. Carefully, Bram took Simon’s hand and touched his index finger to a spot on the top of his thigh.

“It’s right there, going horizontal,” Bram whispered, running Simon’s index finger over the mark his jeans covered. Over Simon’s name.

Simon smiled, leaning in closer. “I still can’t believe this,” He whispered, looking up at Bram, their eyes meeting.

With Simon leaning half across the car console, fingers still held in Bram’s hand and hovering over his knee now, Bram pulled him in closer for another kiss.

 

* * *

 

They stayed in the car for a while, talking. To Simon it still felt like their emails, intimate and honest, but now there was a sense of familiarity he never had before. Now he knew, now they both knew, and could really be together. They had found a place to be together outside of their computers, and that place felt brave and exciting.

“We should go back to school,” Simon realized, looking at the clock on his phone.

Bram sighed, nodding in agreement. No argument.

“Everyone’s already going to be suspicious since we missed English,” Simon added.

Bram gave another nod. Then he smiled. “One day we’ll tell them though.”

Simon nodded. “It’s just a matter of when,” He whispered.

“I don’t want to hide this,” Bram told him softly. “What this is, is amazing, and I don’t want to hide that.”

“I don’t want to hide it either,” Simon whispered. He leaned into Bram so that his forehead rested against Bram’s shoulder.

He smiled when Bram rested his head against Simon’s, his hand gripping Simon’s more tightly.

“Leah knows I’m gay,” Simon murmured.

Bram hummed. “You told her by accident, right?” He whispered.

Simon laughed. “Very by accident, but it was kind of perfect the way it happened.” Simon smiled. “My whole family knows, including Nora. Your mom knows.”

“My dad too, now,” Bram murmured. He looked at Simon, and slowly asked: “Why do I feel like you’re making a list to check off?”

“Maybe I am,” Simon whispered. He pulled away and looked up at Bram. “Because for me, the only people I want to tell now are our friends. Nick, Abby, and Garrett are the only ones I haven’t told.”

Bram nodded. “Are we making a list then?” He asked.

Simon frowned slightly. “I don’t see it as a list,” He mumbled.

Bram raised an eyebrow.

“I think it’s more like I have this idea in my head of what this looks like, what us being together looks like, and I see all the people we care about there, and I’m trying to figure out how to get us there, how to get everyone there. Because it’ll take time. I mean, it took me three freaking years to tell my family I’m gay. I want to find that place where we’re out and can be together any way we want,” Simon explained.

He looked up at Bram, worried. “Did that make sense?” He whispered.

Bram nodded. “A lot of sense actually,” He whispered. “You’re right, and I don’t want to wait another three years before people finally know we’re together.”

“How do we do this then?” Simon asked.

Bram hummed thoughtfully, leaning against the seat. His dark brown eyes met Simon’s, softening at the sight of him. “I have an idea,” He murmured.

 

* * *

 

 

They returned to school in time to catch the last twenty minutes of third period. Then it was lunch. Simon got there first, before anyone else. They had a plan. Their plan. It felt weird, knowing that there was a time and a place in which they wanted to say this and how they wanted to say it, especially when all the times he’d come out before had been spontaneous and in the moment. It felt weird, in the moment, to make a plan like this. To say it all out loud with someone, and know that someone was right there with him, ready to stand next to him and make the same jump.

That place he hid, somewhere in his head, watching everyone and knowing he was on the outside because of this big secret he had and could never share, that was a place he wouldn’t have to go back to. Not when he was with all the people that mattered to him.

“Where were you?” Leah asked him the second she sat down, straight forward but with a smile on her face that made Simon blush.

The blush only made her grin more. “You know, after I texted you I texted Nora to see if you were home sick again. No, apparently you made it all the way to school and left. Since when do you ditch?” She asked. No judgement, but definitely a burning curiosity and a slight desire to jokingly mock him.

Simon shrugged. “Is it okay if I tell you about it later?” He asked.

She raised an eyebrow.

“I had to do a thing,” Simon added, forcing an uncomfortable smile on his face.

Her sly grin slid and she nodded, very serious. “Yeah, later’s fine,” She told him.

Simon smiled at her, genuine this time. “Thank you for understanding,” He told her softly.

Nick and Abby sat down a few seconds later, bickering about the merits of a band Nick loved and Abby hated. Leah joined in and Simon listened, heart racing. The two seats next to him were empty, and they stayed empty for all of lunch.

 

* * *

 

 

He didn’t text Bram until play practice.

 

_Simon: Did you tell him?_

 

He didn’t get a reply for nearly an hour.

 

_Bram: I did. It went really well actually._

_Bram: I’ll tell you about it tonight :)_

 

Simon smiled at his phone.

 

_Simon: Six?_

_Bram: Yeah, I’m thinking we go on a small drive and just talk_

_Simon: Are you driving this time?_

_Bram: I am, because I know where I want to take us this time_

_Bram: A feeling, right?_

 

Simon’s smile widened and he ducked his head to hide it. The excitement for tonight was lighting up his brain, making his limbs jittery.

Ms. Albright called everyone to the stage. Simon shoved his phone into his backpack and returned back to the stage where everyone was setting up to do another run through the final song of the play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's been commenting, and everyone who's made it this far in the story. This story actually got a couple new readers over the last few days who were all so kind with what they said, and I'm forever grateful. I really hope chapter seven was everything you wanted it to be. Thank you everyone, I love you all :)


	8. It's a feeling, right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An almost date

Simon sat quietly on his bed, ready and nervous for tonight. The anticipation had gone from jitteriness in his limps to something that made him sit strangely still, waiting. His heart felt fast, but intermittently so, so that he would go moments without any awareness of it and then be surprised but the sudden change in his heartbeat.

In his head he started crafting a joke about heart attacks and things Bram did to his heart that he could say when Bram picked him up. Then his phone buzzed softly in his hand and he jumped, the words of a half-formed joke scrambled and too tangled in his head to ever get right again.

 

_Bram: I’m right outside :)_

 

Simon took a deep breath. His hands were shaking and jittery again. He’d never felt like this before, not for an actual person at least.

It felt like Christmas Eve, and the anticipation of something amazing it the morning. It felt like New Years Eve and all the excited energy to see the new year before falling asleep. It felt like waiting in line for a movie premiere with all his friends, excitement buzzing in his brain for something he’d waited months to see. It felt like the moments after that same movie, when the adrenaline of it was still in his blood and all that energy was still unruly and erratic. It felt like Halloween.

It felt like Halloween. It felt like the dark living room with flashing lights, and Bram standing by his side singing “As Long as You Love Me” as loudly as he could.

It felt like the music slowed and grew quiet and they were the only two people in the house, listening to music in the dark and talking about things they didn’t say out loud.

That was the feeling Simon held onto when he got into Bram’s car. The soft thud of the car closing behind him created an enclosed space just for Simon and Bram.

Bram sat in the driver’s seat, looking at him with a shy smile. He was wearing a sweater this time, red and soft looking.

“Hi,” Bram greeted softly.

“Hi,” Simon whispered back. He smiled. “Where are we going?”

Bram gave him a wide, almost mischievous grin. “It’s a surprise,” He told Simon, the sound of conspiracy and secret plots in his voice.

“Okay,” Simon agreed, still smiling.

Bram pulled the car out onto the road and started driving. As they pulled out of Simon’s neighborhood, Bram took Simon’s hand in his.

“Don’t you need to your hand drive?” Simon asked nervously. He didn’t let go of Bram’s hand.

“I think I’m good,” Bram told him softly, taking a moment to look back at him before his eyes returned to the road.

Simon nodded and moved his arm so that it was wrapped under Bram’s on the center console. Their fingers folded neatly together, different from the morning. Instead of tangled by confused fingers, their hands were interwoven carefully. Simon could feel the knobby knuckles of Bram’s fingers pressed up against his, the palm of his hand warm to Simon’s skin.

“So how did telling Garrett go?” Simon asked.

Bram grinned. “He was really cool about it. We actually skipped out of lunch to go get burgers, and I told him while we were waiting for our food. He said he was happy for me and he hoped my soulmate was as awesome as I was, because I deserved to be happy.”

They’d agreed not to tell anyone who each other’s soulmate was until they were together with everyone.

Simon smiled back. “I’m really happy for you.”

Bram looked back at Simon, that wide smile on his face. “I can’t believe I did it.”

Simon nodded emphatically. “It feels weird when you say it to someone, doesn’t it?”

“It’s like, the moment I said it I felt all the air just go away and I couldn’t breathe, and then Garrett just grinned at me, that really big grin he gets when he’s excited for something, and I just felt so relieved,” Bram explained.

“Telling my mom was like that. I felt so nauseated sitting down at the table with her. I asked if I could talk to her but as soon as I sat down I couldn’t breathe. I realized I just had to force the words out, and when I did it was like I was in this vacuum, and everything else just stopped existing for a moment. She was so calm, like I told her I had another English essay, and then she smiled. She said she loved me and that nothing had changed. It was just…” Bram trailed off, words caught in his throat.

After a moment, he continued. “It was like, what was I so afraid of? I was so afraid to tell her, but after everything I just walked into my room and wondered why I had all those awful ideas about what might happen if I told her. She’s my mom, of course she loved me. All those things I was scared would happen if I told her was never a possibility and I feel like I should have known that.”

Simon nodded. “It felt a little like that for me,” He agreed. “I mean, I didn’t think they’d kick me out or something awful like that, but I thought it would change how they treated me. Like I’d stop being me if they knew, but it wasn’t like that.

“I told them, and they just loved me. They were just my family, and nothing changed.” Simon shook his head, rethinking his words. “But everything changed too. I could talk about it, and nothing big or monumental would happen. I could ask my mom about soulmates as easily as I did when I was a kid, when I didn’t know I was gay, and everything was just fine.”

“I feel lucky,” Bram told him.

“Because we got to come out safely to our parents?” Simon asked, but he knew the answer. He felt lucky too, after all the horror stories he heard and read about, lucky that everything was okay, better actually.

“Yeah, I feel lucky,” Bram repeated.

They drove for a while in comfortable silence.

_…A feeling, right?…_

They were chasing a place that felt like safety and anonymity and warmth. Simon wondered if maybe that place had found them first in this car.

“Have you ever seen the Atlanta city lights at night from high above?” Bram asked him.

Simon looked up at Bram. “Once, when my family was flying home from our trip to California, and the plane flew over Atlanta at eight in the evening,” He murmured. He thought back to the golden light he saw only from a tiny square in a metal machine flying a few thousand feet above the city.

Bram smiled. “This is better than from a plane,” He promised softly.

They drove for a while longer. Eventually Simon noticed an elevation change as they drove up a hill. The hill sloped upwards for what seemed like ages, surrounding them with trees and shrubs. Simon could catch sight of the houses from enclosed residential neighborhoods. This late at night, it was all quiet.

The car reached the top of the hill and levelled out. Then Simon saw it.

Trails of golden-orange light in geometric patterns, refined to squares and rectangles that overlapped again and again. Silhouettes of buildings were framed by the light of their tall, seemingly seamless windows. The lights framing distant streets broke away from the grids of light, winding around in spidery veins to find smaller geometric patterns of lights in distant places.

It made Simon feel small. There was this entire city composed of light and metal out there, in front of him. Massive and expanding, covering more land than he could ever see at once, even from this distant, elevated place. It felt overwhelming to look at and know that somewhere in the maze of light was his entire life, captured in one of the small grids that poured out of the city.

“Sometimes, sometimes the city gridlock is almost beautiful,” Bram whispered. He’d parked the car so that Simon was on the side that faced the light, amazing and beautiful. “Up here it is, at least.”

“It’s crazy to look at and realize that’s our home,” Simon whispered, one of his fingers touching the cold glass.

Bram smiled at Simon. “It’s a feeling, right?” He asked.

“It is,” Simon agreed, staring out the window. He turned, eyes meeting Bram’s. “This feeling, it’s like we find our own little place in the universe to hide and watch the world go by, and it should feel lonely, but it doesn’t. Because we’re here, together.”

“Together?” Bram whispered.

Simon smiled. “Together.”

Turning, Simon looked out at the expanse of light. His fingers drifted towards the handle of the door. “Come on, I want to see this from outside,” He told Bram.

He got out of the car, and the cold air pierced through his hoodie before he’d even closed the door. He shivered, stuffing his hands in his pockets. His breath came out in puffs of wispy steam.

“Why is it so cold?” Simon questioned, his voice wobbling as he shook.

“Well Simon, it’s the dead of winter and we’re standing on a hill where there’s nothing to interfere with wind currents,” Bram replied, a touch of sarcasm in his tone.

Simon turned around and grinned at the sarcasm. “Still, Georgia has no right being this cold. What the hell weather?”

Bram laughed, standing by Simon’s side. “Is the view still worth freezing for?” He asked, huddling closer to Simon, hands hidden in his sweater sleeves.

“For another minute, maybe,” Simon answered, nodding seriously.

The golden-orange lights flickered in the distance, light passing unevenly through this space that Bram and Simon had made for themselves, wrinkles in a mirage.

After a while Simon started shaking a little too much so Bram made the decision that they should both get into the car.

“You had to go outside into the freezing January air, didn’t you,” Bram mumbled as he turned his car back on and turned the heat on blast.

Bram smiled at the slightly outraged expression on Simon’s face.

“It’s such a Simon thing to do,” Bram whispered, looking away and staring at the car vents.

“A Simon thing?” Simon repeated, confused and trying to decide whether to be offended or curious.

“It’s a Simon thing to do something ridiculous for no reason other than it would make you happy in the moment, and then to be surprised by consequences,” Bram answered.

Simon was quiet for a moment. “Is it a still a Simon thing if I say I don’t regret going out there for a second?” He asked softly.

“That is exactly what a Simon thing is,” Bram answered.

Simon nodded, shivering still. The car still wasn’t heating up fast enough and he wasn’t warming up. He pressed his back into the seat, arms wrapped around himself. Bram reached into the backseat and pulled out a blanket. Simon eagerly took it from him. It was plaid green flannel, soft against his fingers, almost fuzzy in a well-loved flannel sort of way. He unwrapped the long throw blanket and wrapped one corner around his right shoulder before spreading out the blanket to share it with Bram.

“I’m glad I brought this now,” Bram mumbled, smiling as he curled into the blanket with Simon.

Their eyes met for a moment, soft brown and dark grey illuminated only by the red light of the buttons on Bram’s dashboard. “What’s another Simon thing?” He whispered, watching Bram with wide, happy eyes.

Bram smiled. “It’s a Simon thing is to stare for a moment longer than you need to, to just watch because you’re curious or because you just care,” He answered, voice soft and low.

“Is it a Simon thing to want to want to hold your hand?” Simon asked.

“I hope so,” Bram whispered.

Simon stretched out his fingers, searching for Bram’s hands in the dark. He found them folded together in the blanket, warm and soft. Bram leaned in and took both of Simon’s hands in his, holding them together to keep them warm. Bram rubbed his thumbs softly across the back of Simon’s hands, back and forth, constant and comfortable.

He looked up at Bram, who was watching him with a small smile on his lips.

“Is it a Simon thing to really want to kiss you?” Simon asked.

There was a moment where Bram just looked up in awe. “God I hope so,” He whispered.

Simon leaned forward, finding Bram. Their cold noses touched and Simon pressed his lips to Bram’s, soft and gentle. One of Bram’s hands touched his cheek, warm across his skin, with fingers stretched into his messy hair. Simon pulled Bram closer, his arms wrapping loosely around Bram as he pressed soft, slow kisses to Bram’s lips.

The blanket slipped from his shoulders and Simon felt cold again, shivering in sharp, fast shudders. Bram pulled away, touching both hands to Simon’s cold cheeks.

“You’re really not warming up,” Bram mumbled.

Simon shook his head, laughing softly. “No,” He admitted.

Bram took the blanket and wrapped it more tightly around Simon’s shoulders, assuring Simon that he wasn’t cold now, and didn’t need the blanket the way Simon did.

“Do you always get so cold so easily?” Bram asked.

Simon winced. “Yeah, kind of,” He admitted lowly.

Bram hummed and wrapped his arms around Simon, holding him tight to his side. Simon leaned into him, resting his head on Bram’s shoulder.

“I’m starting to feel better now, though,” Simon mumbled against Bram’s shoulder.

Bram rested his chin on Simon’s head. “Good,” Bram whispered into Simon’s hair, and Simon could hear hints of a smile there.

They were quiet for a while, curled together as Simon warmed up. The shivering stopped and he relaxed fully into Bram’s side, enjoying the moment.

“Do you think it will always be like this?” Simon asked softly.

Bram looked down at him. “What do you mean?” He asked.

“I don’t think I have a word for it,” Simon murmured, feeling his cheeks warm up. “It’s just this feeling of being next to you. It’s good, I like this feeling.”

Bram was quiet, thinking about it.

“It’s like, the longer I know you, the more I understand why soulmates exist,” Simon whispered, looking up at Bram.

He caught Bram smiling just as he turned his head to look out the window, almost hiding it. Almost.

“I keep forgetting that word,” Bram confessed. “Soulmates, I keep forgetting that this is real.”

Simon smiled and sat up, leaning into Bram’s space. “It’s real,” Simon whispered.

“It’s very real,” Bram agreed, looking back at Simon, close enough to kiss him again.

They were quiet for a moment. “Do you remember how afraid I was of this?” Simon asked.

“I do,” Bram answered.

“I never wanted something else to decide for me who I…” He trailed off, looking away for a long moment. “I never wanted someone or something else to get to choose for me. I always wanted it to be my choice.”

He looked back at Bram, eyes soft and open, honest. “But you were always going to be my choice,” He confessed. His fingers, warmer now, brushed across the back of Bram’s hand, trailing along slowly. “I was being honest in my email when I said there was a place in my heart just for you, and if my soulmate had been anyone else, I would have chosen you.”

Bram smiled softly. “The universe didn’t make you choose though,” He whispered, thankful.

Simon pulled away, shaking his head. “No, I think it let me choose,” He told Bram.

He wasn’t sure he believed in fate yet, not in the sense that everyone else did. Finding Blue over email didn’t feel like fate, it felt like his choice. He could have chosen not to leave his email address on the post, and Bram could have chosen not to email him. They could have chosen to stop talking at any time, but they chose to keep talking. All those choices were still theirs, and Simon wholeheartedly believed that if the universe had any other plan for him, it changed its mind and let Simon choose.

Maybe it was dumb to think he knew what the universe had in mind, but Simon knew in his heart that even if the universe decided otherwise and paired him to anyone else, his connection to Blue, to Bram, would have won.

“I think it let me choose too,” Bram whispered after a long moment of silence. “I would have chosen you too.”

Simon grinned widely at Bram, looking up at him with adoration. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It occurred to me while posting this chapter that this is the only chapter without line breaks because it's all one big scene. Although the chapter itself is pretty short compared to all the others. I wanted this one separate because it felt special.
> 
> I'm really sorry this didn't get posted until Sunday. My life sort of imploded on Wednesday. My computer specifically (though not the computer I write with, so all my stories are completely fine) but the computer I work with and spend most of my time with just died out of the blue. I replaced it now, so I feel much better about it all, but it was a scary few days.
> 
> Anyway, so the comments last chapter were amazing. You cannot know how amazing. Some of them made me happy cry, and I'm not a person who happy cries very often. The last time I remember crying from happiness was watching the end of Love, Simon. So let that put some perspective on things. You guys all matter to me a lot, and your love for this story has been amazing. I cannot thank you guys enough for the love and support you gave me.

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a one-shot and then became a very long story, so it's being divided into chapters. Eight out of approximately ten have been written, it's just that sometimes I need the reminder to keep going, and this community and the support it gives is amazing. Comments and Kudos are repaid in full with love, thanks, and new chapters.


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